This Weekend, Watch This
A comparison for the new releases for April 26-28, 2013
By Curt David
April 26, 2013
New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Eva Longoria in The Sentinel), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 29%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.
I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.
For the weekend of April 26th, the new movies in wide release are The Big Wedding and Pain and Gain.
| The Big Wedding | Pain and Gain | WINNER
(1 point per category) |
| Clearest Title | Based on the title, has to be a comedy. | Based on the title, has to be a....movie. | The Big Wedding might sell a few tickets based on its title alone...point. |
Best Genre
and Rating | Comedy
Rated R for language, sexual content, and brief nudity. | Action/Comedy/Crime/Drama
Rated R for bloody violence, crude sexual assault, nudity, language throughout, and drug use. | Interesting how one movie is a comedy and one movie is everything. 1/2 point for each. |
Best Plot
(in haiku form) | Wedding is coming
Wacky in-laws and guests come
Comedy ensues | Three bodybuilders
Decide to rob a rich man
It’s a true story | The ‘bodybuilders robbing a rich guy’- I haven’t heard that plot before. Point. |
| Best Trailer | PROS: tons of famous cast members
CONS: doesn’t seem that funny nor original | PROS: seems like a strange hybrid of genres, but definitely seems engaging
CONS: if you think this is a typical “action” or “comedy” film, you may be disappointed | So based on the trailers, I don’t think either movie should call itself a comedy. But that sortof works for Pain & Gain. Another point. |
| Coolest Lead Actor | Robert De Niro from Silver Linings Playbook, Goodfellas, and The Godfather II. | Mark Wahlberg from Boogie Nights, The Fighter, and Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. | Since I was hardly old enough to tie my shoes when De Niro got his sixth Oscar nomination, I would typically not know his greatness. But Silver Linings gives him the point this round! |
| Best Cast | Katherine Heigl (Grey’s Anatomy), Diane Keaton (Father of the Bride), Amanda Seyfried (Les Mis), Topher Grace (That 70s Show), Susan Sarandon (Thelma & Louise), Ben Barnes (Prince Caspian), and Robin Williams (Good Will Hunting). | Dwayne Johnson (The Scorpion King), Ken Jeong (The Hangover), Ed Harris (A Beautiful Mind), Tony Shalhoub (Monk), and Rebel Wilson (Pitch Perfect). | 1/2 point for each movie. The Big Wedding has the longer cast, but Pain & Gain has the more relevant one (Rebel & Dwayne) |
Best Street Cred
For the Production | Writer and Director Justin Zackham also wrote The Bucket List. | Director Michael Bay also directed The Rock, Armageddon, and Transformers. | Michael Bay has his own street cred. |
So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Pain & Gain scores 4 points (and a gold star) and The Big Wedding scores 3 points.
You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you like romantic comedy type movies, feel free to watch The Big Wedding. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.
Conclusion 1: On paper Pain & Gain is the best movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. Pain & Gain’s “This is a true story,” is a good tagline, especially after watching the crazy trailer and because “It’s never too late to start acting like a family” didn’t do it for me.
Conclusion 3: If the Calvin Awards had a Best Line Delivery Award, I think the winner of 2012 would be this Rebel Wilson’s Fat Amy quote:
Boy: I have a feeling we should kiss...
Fat Amy: Well...sometimes I have the feeling I can do crystal meth, but then I think, mmm...better not.
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