This Weekend, Watch This
A comparison for the new releases for April 12-14, 2013
By Curt David
April 12, 2013
New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (X-Files: I Want to Believe), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Jennifer Lawrence in House at the End of the Street), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 75%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.
I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.
For the weekend of April 12th, the new movies in wide release are 42 and Scary Movie 5.
| 42 | Scary Movie 5 | WINNER
(1 point per category) |
| Clearest Title | This title is just a number. | This is the fifth Scary Movie. | Scary Movie 5 is a recognizable title, which goes a long way in this column. Point. |
Best Genre
and Rating | Biography
Rated PG-13 for thematic elements including language. | Comedy
Rated PG-13 for crude and sexual content throughout, language, some drug material, partial nudity, comic violence, and gore. | But having different genres also is helpful. Each movie will get a half point. |
Best Plot
(in haiku form) | Jackie Robinson
Was the first black ball player
This is his story | It reminds me of
Par’normal Activity
But a Parody
| Having a plot that sounds infinitely better than the other plot also bodes well for films in this column. Hence, 42 gets this point. |
| Best Trailer | + It’s a true story of overcoming all obstacles
+ I forgot about everything on my mind as I got caught up in the story
+ It might make you cry (in a good way) | - I did not laugh at a single joke!
- I could hardly concentrate on the trailer, thinking about needing to go buy groceries
- It might make you cry (in a bad way) | Another criteria for winning- having a trailer that makes you want to see the film. Point for 42.
|
| Coolest Lead Actor | Chadwick Boseman as Jackie Robinson in his first major role. | Ashley Tisdale from High School Musical. | Only because I’ve heard of her before, Ashley will win this point (but Chadwick- I’ll make you win next time). |
| Best Cast | Harrison Ford (Star Wars), Christopher Meloni (Law and Order: SVU), T.R. Knight (Grey’s Anatomy) | Cameos from Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, Jerry O’Connell, Kate Walsh, Heather Locklear, Molly Shannon, and Snoop Dog | All those stars should not have agreed to be in Scary Movie 5. As a lesson, 42 will win this point. |
Best Street Cred
For the Production | Writer and Director Brian Helgeland also wrote and L.A. Confidential, Mystic River, and Man on Fire. | Director Malcolm D. Lee also directed Undercover Brother.
| Brian Helgeland has won an Oscar. Easy way to get this point.
|
So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, 42 scores 4 and 1/2 points (and a gold star) and Scary Movie 5 scores 2 and 1/2 points.
You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you like movie parodies, feel free to watch...nah, nevermind, just go watch 42. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.
Conclusion 1: On paper, 42 is the best movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. While I usually like puns, this week 42’s classy tagline will win: “In a game divided by color, he made us see greatness.” As opposed to Scary Movie 5’s, “The supernatural is coming. Bring protection.”
Conclusion 3: The haiku plot for Scary Movie 5 is the exact one I used for January 2013’s A Haunted House.
*Statistic is completely made up.
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