This Weekend, Watch This: A comparison for the new releases for April 5-7, 2013

This Weekend, Watch This

A comparison for the new releases for April 5-7, 2013

By Curt David

April 5, 2013

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New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Vampires Suck), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Rosario Dawson in Alexander), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 50%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.

I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

For the weekend of April 5th, the new movies in wide release are Evil Dead and Jurassic Park 3D.

	Evil Dead (2013)	Jurassic Park 3D	WINNER (1 point per category)
Clearest Title	Wasn’t this already a movie?	Wasn’t this already a movie?	Both movies (an update to an original, and an original in 3D) will split the point for best title.
Best Genre and Rating	Horror Rated R for strong bloody violence and gore, some sexual content, and language.	Adventure Rated PG-13 for intense science fiction horror.	Both movies have slightly different genres. Let’s split the points again.
Best Plot (in haiku form)	Teens go to cabin Unleash evil in the woods Then horror happens	Guy makes dinosaurs People come to see them all $&*! T-Rex is loose!	You don’t get better than the plot of Jurassic Park. Point.
Best Trailer	+ Was going to say unoriginal plot, but this plot actually came first in 1981 - But still, this movie has teens in an evil woods + Horror people will probably love it.	+ Who knew this is the 20th anniversary + I remember loving this movie + There are dinosaurs in the film!	I know some fans are salivating over an Evil Dead remake, but I am excited to watch Jurassic Park in 3D. Point for the dinos.
Coolest Lead Actor	I don’t recognize the actors yet.	Sam Neill from Jurassic Park.	Another point for Jurassic Park.
Best Cast	I don’t recognize the actors yet.	Laura Dern, Jeff Goldblum, Samuel Jackson, Wayne Knight....all from Jurassic Park.	And another point for Jurassic Park.
Best Street Cred For the Production	Director Fede Alvarez has directed some short films.	Director Steven Spielberg. Nuf Said.	And one last point for Jurassic Park.

So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Jurassic Park scores 6 points and Evil Dead scores 1 point. Both movies win a gold star. (Normally I wouldn’t let a movie remastered in 3D win this column, but it doesn’t feel too shady today, since Evil Dead is a remake film.)

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you like the movie The Evil Dead, feel free to watch Evil Dead. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, Jurassic Park is the best “new” movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. Both movies will get a gold star for their quite superlative taglines: “The most terrifying film you will ever see,” and “The most phenomenal discovery of our time...becomes the greatest adventure of all time.”
Conclusion 3: When I first saw Jurassic Park, I remember thinking that the little girl in the movie was the most beautiful person in the entire world (don’t worry, I was in fourth-grade at the time).

*Statistic is completely made up.

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