This Weekend, Watch This

A comparison for the new releases for March 29-31, 2013

By Curt David

March 29, 2013

Hello, agent? Am I not better than this movie?

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New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (MacGruber), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Rachel McAdams in The Hot Chick), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 99%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.

I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

For the weekend of March 29th, the new movies in wide release are G.I. Joe: Retaliation, The Host, and Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor.

G. I. Joe: Retaliation The Host Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor WINNER
(1 point per category)
Clearest TitleOoh, a sequel to the G.I. Joe movie! Another book by the Twilight author? This sounds like a Tyler Perry film. Pretty clear titles, G.I. Joe is the clearest. Point for Joe.
Best Genre
and Rating
Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of combat violence and martial arts and action throughout, brief sensuality, and language.
Rated PG-13 for some sensuality and violence.
Rated PG-13 for violence, sexuality, and drug content.
Three PG-13s...which equals...three 1/3 points each.
Best Plot
(in haiku form)
Dangerous bad guys
G. I. Joe to the rescue
They can save the Earth!
Guy and girl in love
Alien in girl’s body
Can the love survive?
Married guy and girl
Girl seduced by other man
More drama happens
While it might sound like Romeo and Juliet, I still don’t write about Aliens that much. The Host wins this point.
Best Trailer+ Tatum, the Rock, and Willis
+ Seems like epic scenes of action
- But I am very upset at the lack of original characters from the first film!
+ It’s a story about aliens
- It’s a love story between a human teenager and an alien
+ Trailer seemed fine (even if it was based on a Twilight-esque book)
- I hate movies where the plots are affairs
+ But if you like Tyler Perry movies, this is for you
+ If you like dramas, this is for you.
G.I. Joe had the best trailer for a new movie, but it’s an awful sequel trailer (where’s the first cast?). So I’m going to let the other two movies split the point.
Coolest Lead ActorDwayne Johnson from WWE, Scorpion King, and Fast Five. Saoirse Ronan from Hannah, Atonement, and The Lovely Bones. Vanessa Williams from Soul Food, Ugly Betty, and Eraser. But despite my anger that “Scarlett” isn’t in the new movie, I still have to admit that Dwayne Johnson is the coolest actor. Point.
Best CastChanning Tatum (Step Up) and Bruce Willis (Die Hard)Diane Kruger (National Treasure)Brandy (Moesha) and Kim Kardashian (Keeping Up with the Kardashians)G.I. Joe has the best cast, but also the most incorrect all three movies will get 1/3 point.
Best Street Cred
For the Production
Director John M. Chu has also directed Step Up 2 and 3 and Justin Bieber: Never Say Never. Writer and Director Andrew Niccol also wrote The Truman Show and The Terminal.Writer and Director Tyler Perry also wrote and directed Diary of a Mad Black Woman and all his other films. I really really really like the movies Truman Show and The Terminal. Since Perry always wins this point in my column, today I’m going to let Mr. Niccol win the point.

So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, The Host scores 3 and 1/6 points, G.I. Joe: Retaliation scores 2 and 2/3 points, and Temptation scores 1 and 1/6 points and the gold star.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you like fun action movies, feel free to watch G.I. Joe: Retaliation. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, The Host is the best movie to watch this weekend (or the best movie that didn’t lose all the good characters from the first movie).
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. Temptation’s “Seduction is the devil’s playground,” is the best tagline, and a good public service announcement.
Conclusion 3: I liked the first G.I. Joe, but seriously, why aren’t Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Sienna Miller, Dennis Quaid, Marlan Wayans, and Rachel Nichols in the sequel? Dumb.

*Statistic is completely made up.




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