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This Weekend, Watch This

A comparison for the new releases for March 22-24, 2013

By Curt David

March 22, 2013

Boy, does this movie look thrilling.

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New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Atlas Shrugged), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Cameron Diaz in The Sweetest Thing), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 51%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.

I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

For the weekend of March 22nd, the new movies in wide release are Admission, The Croods, and Olympus Has Fallen.







AdmissionThe CroodsOlympus Has FallenWINNER
(1 point per category)
Clearest TitleThis title hardly tells me anything. This title tells me nothing. This title sounds epic, like the Greek Gods’ home is falling. The word Olympus might make some people go to the movie. It barely wins the point this week.
Best Genre
and Rating
Comedy
Rated PG-13 for language and some sexual material.
Animated
Rated PG for some scary action.
Action/Thriller
Rated R for strong violence and language throughout.
This is the best day of 2013. Three movies, with three different genres and ratings! 1/3 point for all!
Best Plot
(in haiku form)
Man has a student
Girl works college admissions
Girl is student’s mom?
Caveman Family
Are forced to leave their safe cave
Adventure ensues
White House is taken
One guard is our only hope
From the terrorists
Most plots don’t have cavemen. The Croods win the point.
Best Trailer+ It seems cute, sweet, and enjoyable
- But I didn’t laugh during the trailer at all
+ But I smiled
+ Caveman film seems clever
+ Kids will probably love it
- But it didn’t evoke any of my emotions
- Typical plot of one man has to beat everyone up for justice
+ But the setting of the White House is unique
+ There will be action
The best trailer, especially when considering the genre, is Olympus Has Fallen.
Coolest Lead ActorTina Fey from Saturday Night Live, 30 Rock, and Date Night.The voice of Nicolas Cage from National Treasure and Face/Off. Gerard Butler from 300 and Phantom of the Opera.I thought Tina Fey would win this for sure, but then I remembered I like the four movies listed with the men. 1/3 point each.
Best CastPaul Rudd (I Love You, Man)The voices of Emma Stone, Ryan Reynolds, and Cloris Leachman. Aaron Eckhart (The Dark Knight), Morgan Freeman (Shawshank Redemption), Dylan McDermott (The Practice), and Angela Bassett (Malcolm X) Olympus Has Fallen has the best cast.
Best Street Cred
For the Production
Director Paul Weitz has also directed American Pie, Little Fockers, and About a Boy. Director and Writer Chris Sanders has also written and directed Lilo & Stitch and How to Train your Dragon. Director Antoine Fuqua has also directed Training Day, King Arthur, and Shooter. While I normally would give three established directors 1/3 point each, Mr. Sanders wrote and directed two of the best animated films ever! He’ll solely win this point.



So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Olympus Has Fallen scores 3 and 2/3 points, The Croods scores 2 and 2/3 points and a gold star, and Admission scores 2/3 points.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you like animated movies, feel free to watch The Croods. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, Olympus Has Fallen is the best movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week I give a gold star to the movie with the best tagline. The cleverest one this week was from The Croods (“Everything Begins”). That sounds like a tagline from any movie, but this is a movie about cavemen, so literally, it’s a story of the beginning of the world, haha.
Conclusion 3: Despite Admission not getting much love in this column, I still find Tina Fey and Paul Rudd quite charming and enjoyed him asking her out in the trailer.

*Statistic is completely made up.




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