This Weekend, Watch This

A comparison for the new releases for March 1-3, 2013

By Curt David

March 1, 2013

Some giants are so grabby.

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New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Home Alone 3), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Mila Kunis in Max Payne), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 15%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.

I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

For the weekend of March 1st, the new movies in wide release are 21 and Over, Jack the Giant Slayer, The Last Exorcism Part II, and Phantom.

21 and OverJack the Giant SlayerThe Last Exorcism Part IIPhantomWINNER
(1 point per category)
Clearest TitleThis movie will have alcohol. This movie will have a beanstalk.This movie will be a horror sequel.I don't know. I think the story of Jack and the giant is more famous than The Last Exorcism. Point for Jack.
Best Genre
and Rating
Rated R for crude and sexual content, pervasive language, some graphic nudity, drugs, and drinking.
Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of fantasy action violence, some frightening images, and brief language.
Rated PG-13 for horror violence, terror, and brief language.
Rated R for violence.
4 different genres! It’s going to be a good weekend. 1/4 point each!
Best Plot
(in haiku form)
Guy turns 21
Has craziest night ever
Super, super drunk
Jack and the Beanstalk
Lots of giants and fighting
And a love story
Girl needs exorcism
They strap her down to do it
Then strange things happen
Crew on submarine
May cause World War 3 with bomb
Should they press button?
The crazy giants and World War 3 will split the point for an epic plot.
Best Trailer- I smiled once in the trailer but didn’t laugh
- The plot wasn’t original
- I am not in the demographic to watch this movie
+ Makes the original Jack and the Beanstalk story boring
+ Lots of fun action
+ I’m curious about how the humans can possibly defeat so many giants
+ Trailer was good because they only used foreshadowing
- But it’s still an exorcism movie
- I am not the demographic to watch this movie
- Horrible title. And what is the Phantom?
+ But they might cause World War 3 (that should have been the title)
- And how can it be inspired by true events?
Clearly I am in the demographic of people that want to watch fantasy action. Point for Jack.
Coolest Lead ActorI didn’t super recognize the names in this movie. Nicholas Hoult from About a Boy, Warm Bodies, and X-Men: First Class. Ashley Bell from The Last Exorcism. Ed Harris from A Beautiful Mind, and The Truman Show. Nicholas Hoult is quickly catching up, but for the meantime, Ed Harris will win this point.
Best CastMiles Teller (Footloose), Skylar Astin (Pitch Perfect), and Justin Chon (Twilight) Ewan McGregor (Moulin Rouge!), Stanley Tucci (The Devil Wears Prada) I didn’t super recognize the names in this movie. David Duchovny (X-Files) Jack and the Giant Slayer has the most impressive cast. Point.
Best Street Cred
For the Production
Writers and Directors Jon Lucas and Scott Moore also wrote The Hangover. Director Bryan Singer has also directed The Usual Suspects, X-Men, and X2. Director Ed Gass-Donnelly has directed some smaller movies. Writer and Director Todd Robinson has written and directed Lonely Hearts. And Bryan Singer has the best street cred (and he’s directing X-Men again!) Point.

So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Jack the Giant Slayer earns 4 and 3/4 points and a gold star, Phantom scores 1 and 3/4 points, 21 and Over scores 1/4 point, and The Last Exorcism Part II scores 1/4 point.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you like horror movies, feel free to watch the sequel to The Last Exorcism. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, Jack the Giant Slayer is the best movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Each week the gold star will go to the movie with the best tagline. I thought Phantom had an intriguing tagline of “You’ll never see it coming,” but the gold star goes to the punny tagline of Jack the Giant Slayer: “Prepare for a GIANT adventure.” Haha.
Conclusion 3: I actually liked the movie Max Payne...not sure why it’s labeled 16% rotten.

*Statistic is completely made up.




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