This Weekend, Watch This

A comparison for the new releases for February 8-10, 2013

By Curt David

February 8, 2013

You can tell by the glasses that I'm smart.

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New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (The Art of War), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Anne Hathaway in Bride Wars), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 82%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money for.

I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

For the weekend of February 8th, the new movies in wide release Identify Thief and Side Effects (with Top Gun 3D appearing in some theaters too).

Identity ThiefSide EffectsWINNER
(1 point per category)
Clearest TitleSomeone’s getting their identity stolen Something’s going to have side effects Both generic titles will split the point for clearest title. 1/2 point each.
Best Genre
and Rating
Rated R for sexual content and language
Rated R for sexuality, nudity, violence, and language.
What are the kids going to watch this weekend? Both movies will split the point again - this time for being Rated R.
Best Plot
(in haiku form)
When he discovers
His identity’s stolen
He will get it back.
Girl Gets Medicine
Murder, Drama, Sex Happens
Something about pills
Identity Thief has a clearer plot. It will get the full point this round.
Best Trailer+ Funny moments in the trailer
+ Here’s hoping the whole movie is actually funny
- Unrealistic why main character takes capturing a criminal into his own hands
+ Has a crazy plot- does the pill make her psycho or is she the victim
+ Lots of star power, lots of wtf is going on moments
-Why can’t the movie be happier?
This is a close call, but Side Effects had the more intriguing trailer. Point.
Coolest Lead ActorJason Bateman from Juno, Arrested Development, and Horrible BossesRooney Mara from The Social Network and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Both stars will split the point for coolness. 1/2 point each. The two movies are still tied.
Best CastMelissa McCarthy (Bridesmaids), Jon Favreau (Iron Man), and Amanda Peet (2012)Channing Tatum (Step Up), Jude Law (Sherlock Holmes), and Catherine Zeta-Jones (Chicago)Melissa is awesome, but Side Effects definitely has the stronger cast. Point
Best Street Cred
For the Production
Director Seth Gordon also directed Horrible Bosses and Four Christmases. Director Steven Soderberg also directed Magic Mike, Ocean’s 11, Traffic, and Erin Brockovich. And the stronger director too. Another point.

So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Side Effects scores 4 and 1/2 points and Identity Thief scores 2 and 1/2 points and a gold star.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you think movies like Due Date are hilarious, feel free to trust that Identity Thief will also be funny. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, Side Effects is the best movies to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Interestingly, Steven Soderberg previously directed Channing Tatum in Magic Mike, Catherine Zeta-Jones in Traffic, and Jude Law in Contagion.
Conclusion 3: Even more interestingly, Jason Bateman is actually the identical twin of Nathan Fillion. If that isn’t true, it should be.
Conclusion 3: Each week the gold star will go to the movie with the best tagline. Identity Thief has a much better tagline this week with “She’s having the time of his life.”

*Statistic is completely made up.




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