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This Weekend, Watch This

A comparison for the new releases for....

By Curt David

February 1, 2013

Do my hands feel cold to you?

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New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Battleship), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Jennifer Garner in The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 33%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.

I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

For the weekend of February 1st, the new movies in wide release are Warm Bodies and Bullet to the Head (and Stand Up Guys is being released on a smaller scale).


Bullet to the HeadWarm BodiesWINNER
(1 point per category)
Clearest TitleI predict this will be an action movie. I don’t want to predict what this movie might be about. Bullet to the Head wins the point for clearest title.
Best Genre
and Rating
Action
Rated R for strong violence, bloody images, language, some nudity, and brief dug use.
Comedy/Horror
Rated PG-13 for zombie violence and some language.
Two different ratings and genres this week. Loving it. 1/2 point each.
Best Plot
(in haiku form)
Tough guy has daughter
She’s kidnapped. He gets revenge
With guns and action.
There’s a boy zombie
He falls in love with human.
Gets complicated.
Warm Bodies has an amazing plot. It’s like the plot of Romeo and Juliet and the movie Zombieland. Point.
Best Trailer+ Sylvester Stallone is in an action film
- Seems like a generic action film
+ Energetic music in the trailer
+ First looked cheesy, but then brilliant
+ Seriously, it’s a zombie/human love story!
+ Some pretty clever and funny moments too
Warm Bodies seems like a great movie, and just in time for Valentine’s Day. Point.
Coolest Lead ActorSylvester Stallone from Rocky, Rambo, and The Expendables. Nicholas Hoult from About A Boy and X-Men: First Class. Sylvester Stallone is an iconic actor. Who is going to stop him from taking this point?
Best CastJason Momoa (Conan the Barbarian) and Christian Slater (Interview with the Vampire)John Malkovich (Con Air) and Dave Franco (21 Jump Street)About equal quality of casts. Let’s give out another 1/2 point.
Best Street Cred
For the Production
Director Walter Hill produced all the Alien movies. Writer and Director Jonathan Levine has also directed 50/50. And how about yet another 1/2 point each.



So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Warm Bodies scores 3.5 points and Bullet to the Head scores 3.5 points and a gold star.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you were old enough to watch Stallone films in the '80s, feel free to watch Bullet to the Head. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, both movies are the best movies to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: However, since 48% of me wants to watch Warm Bodies, and only 2% wants me to watch Bullet to the Head, Warm Bodies will win the tiebreak. (And 50% of me wants to watch Silver Linings Playbook again).
Conclusion 3: Each week the gold star will go to the movie with the best tagline. Bullet to the Head has a slightly better tagline with “Revenge never gets old.” Funny, cause Stallone has been around for awhile.

*Statistic is completely made up.



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