This Weekend, Watch This

A comparison for the new releases for January 25-27, 2013

By Curt David

January 25, 2013

What? Robin doesn't get to be in the new Justice League movie?

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New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Catwoman), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Famke Janssen in House on Haunted Hill), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 96%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.

I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

For the weekend of January 25th, the new movies in wide release are Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, Movie 43 and Parker.

*Statistic is completely made up.

Hansel & Gretel: Witch HuntersParkerMovie 43WINNER
(1 point per category)
Clearest TitleAren’t those the kids from the fairy tale? I don’t know what or who Parker is. This is just a number after the word movie. Hansel & Gretel gets the point for the clearest point.
Best Genre
and Rating
Rated R for strong fantasy horror violence and gore, brief sexuality/nudity, and language.
Rated R for strong violence, language throughout, and brief sexual content/nudity.
Rated R for strong pervasive crude and sexual content including dialogue, graphic nudity, language, some violence, and drug use.
I don’t often type fantasy in this column, so point for Hansel and Gretel.
Best Plot
(in haiku form)
Hansel and Gretel
Grown-ups with guns and crossbows
Hunting them witches.
Tough man wants payback
Teams up with sexy J.Lo
To bring down bad guys.
Very famous cast
Does film with raunchy humor
There’s not more to say.
Hansel and Gretel has the best sounding concept for a movie. Third point in a row.
Best = Trailer+ Lots of witch killing action
- But didn’t seem fun to watch
- And how do they have guns in old times?
+ Jennifer Lopez in a Jason Statham movie
- Plot seems very typical
- Nothing in the trailer stood out as awesome to me
+ There are seriously a lot of famous people in the movie
+ It’s like Valentine’s Day, but with potty humor
- Don’t know if there’s a plot
Movie 43 is the only movie I sort of want to see after watching the trailers.
Coolest Lead ActorJeremy Renner from Avengers, The Hurt Locker, and The Bourne Legacy. Jason Statham from Crank, The Transporter, and The Expendables. Halle Berry, Uma Thurman, Naomi Watts, Kate Winslet, Liev Schreiber, Kristen Bell, Johnny Knoxville, Justin Long, and Christopher Mintz-Plasse.I don’t know who is the lead, but Movie 43 has to win for the coolest actor.
Best CastFamke Janssen (X-men trilogy) Jennifer Lopez (Out of Sight), Michael Chiklis (The Shield), and Nick Nolte (Warrior) Richard Gere, Terrence Howard, Hugh Jackman, Jason Sudeikis, Kate Bosworth, Gerard Butler, Josh Duhamel, Anna Faris, Emma Stone, and Chloe MoretzAnd there’s even more cast members! Another point for Movie 43.
Best Street Cred
For the Production
Writer and Director Tommy Wirkola has written and directed a lot of Norwegian films. Director Taylor Hackford also directed An Officer and a Gentleman and Ray. It also has ten directors! Including Elizabeth Banks, Steven Brill (Mr. Deeds), Steve Carr (Paul Blart), and seven more! So they probably all directed separate short films, but the directing list is awesome! Dang, another point!

So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Movie 43 scores 4 points, Hansel & Gretel scores 3 points, and Parker scores a gold star.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you have watched two other Statham movies in the theaters, feel free to watch Parker too. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, Movie 43 is the best movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: I saw Silver Linings Playbook two times in the theater last week. One of my top ten favorite movies of all-time. I’m not taking back that last comment either. I said it.
Conclusion 3: Each week the gold star will go to the movie with the best tagline. The taglines were weak this week, but Parker gets the gold star for “To get away clean, you have to play dirty.”




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