This Weekend, Watch This

A Comparison for the new releases for January 18-20, 2013

By Curt David

January 18, 2013

Dude, I think the Eagles are still going to suck.

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New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Snakes on a Plane), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Catherine Zeta-Jones in America’s Sweethearts), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 48%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.

I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

For the weekend of January 18th, the new movies in wide release are Broken City, The Last Stand, Mama, and Silver Linings Playbook.

*Statistic is completely made up.

Broken CityThe Last StandMamaSilver Linings PlaybookWINNER
(1 point per category)
Clearest TitleWhat does this title suggest? Don’t know. What does this title suggest? Don’t know. What does this title suggest? Don’t know. What does this title suggest? Don’t know. Ambiguous titles. Silver Linings will get the point because of awards attention.
Best Genre
and Rating
Rated R for pervasive language, some sexual content, and violence.
Rated R for strong bloody violence throughout and language.
Rated PG-13 for violence and terror, some disturbing images, and thematic elements.
Rated R for language and some sexual content/nudity.
Mama actually gets the point for not being Rated R!
Best Plot
(in haiku form)
Mayor hires man
To do secret work and stuff
But he’s a bad guy?
Arnold is Sheriff
He talks, shoots guns, blow things up
I don’t know the plot
Couple’s adoption
Gives them two creepy daughters
Their dead mom comes back
Man needs therapy
Meets girl in therapy too
Quirky love blossoms.
Broken City and Silver Linings Playbook sound like they have the best plot. 1/2 point each.
Best Trailer+ Crime drama with twists
+ Zeta-Jones is in it!
+ I was engaged the whole time
+Schwarzenegger is back
+ His accent is awesome
- Seriously, no clue about the plot
+ Looks spooky
+ Guillermo del Toro is a producer
- Another possessed child film
+Was pretty funny
+ Seems dramatic, but not cheesy
+ The Lumineers played in the trailer
Silver Linings Playbook was one of the best trailers I saw in the past year. I’m going to see it in the theaters tonight.
Coolest Lead ActorMark Wahlberg from Boogie Nights, The Fighter, and Ted. Arnold Schwarzenegger from The Terminator, Total Recall, and True Lies. Jessica Chastain from The Help, Zero Dark Thirty, and The Tree of Life. Bradley Cooper from Alias, The Hangover, and The A-Team. Schwarzenegger? He’s back! He’ll win this point.
Best CastRussell Crowe (Gladiator), Catherine Zeta-Jones (Chicago), and Kyle Chandler ("Friday Night Lights")Forest Whitaker (The Last King of Scotland) and Johnny Knoxville (Jackass) Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (Game of Thrones) Jennifer Lawrence (The Hunger Games), Robert De Niro (Raging Bull), Jacki Weaver (Animal Kingdom), and Chris Tucker (Rush Hour) Broken City and Silver Linings Playbook will also split the point for best cast.
Best Street Cred
For the Production
Director Allen Hughes also directed The Book of Eli. The rewriter for the screenplay Jeffrey Nachmanoff also wrote The Day After Tomorrow. Director Andrews Muschietti made a short film called Mama, and got to make this one. Writer and Director David O. Russell also directed The Fighter and Three Kings.David O. Russell wins this point easily.

So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Silver Linings Playbook scores 4 points, Broken City scores 1 point, Mama scores 1 point, and The Last Stand scores 1 point and a gold star.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you watch horror movies, feel free to watch Mama. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, Silver Linings Playbook is the best movie to watch this weekend (although the win was a little unfair, since it’s an Oscar movie in wider release against January films)
Conclusion 2: I have crushes on the character Will from the show Alias (Bradley Cooper) and the character Katniss (Jennifer Lawrence). They are in a movie together. My life is now complete.
Conclusion 3: Each week the gold star will go to the movie with the best tagline. This week The Last Stand’s tagline “Retirement is for sissies” was hilarious. I also give mad props to Mama for the tagline “A mother’s love never dies.” Creepy!




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