This Weekend, Watch This: A comparison for the new releases for January 11-13, 2013

This Weekend, Watch This

A comparison for the new releases for January 11-13, 2013

By Curt David

January 11, 2013

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New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Ninja Assassin), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Amy Adams in Leap Year), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 70%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.

I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

For the weekend of January 11th, the new movies in wide release are Gangster Squad, A Haunted House, and the expansion of Zero Dark Thirty.

*Statistic is completely made up.

P.S. New to my column this week! I’ll quickly describe each movie’s plot in an original haiku to better help you decide if you want to watch the movie or not. But for those of you that like taglines, don't worry. They’ll now be found in my conclusion.

	Gangster Squad	A Haunted House	Zero Dark Thirty	WINNER (1 point per category)
Clearest Title	This movie will have gangs and guns. I like the clarity.	This movie will have a haunted house. I like the clarity.	This movie sounds profound and I don’t get it.	Gangster Squad and A Haunted House will split the point (1/2 point each) for clearest title.
Best Genre and Rating	Crime/Action Rated R for strong violence and language.	Comedy Rated R for crude and sexual content, language, and some drug use.	Drama/Action Rated R for strong violence including brutal disturbing images, and for language.	What are the kids going to watch this weekend? Each movie will get 1/3 point for being inappropriate.
Best Plot (in haiku form)	In Mafia Days Cops start secret dirty war To take down mob boss.	It reminds me of Par’normal Activity. But a Parody.	CIA did what? In the hunt for Osama. Watch “behind-the-scenes.”	Hmmm, the hunt for Bin Laden sounds intriguing. Zero Dark Thirty will win the first ever point for Best Plot.
Best Part of Trailer	+Emma Stone in a red dress +Inspired by a true story +Looks Fun	+It had some funny parts - It had some unfunny parts - It reminded me of Scary Movie	+ Had Oscar worthy actors and director + Seemed important and dramatic - Lacked action	Gangster Squad had the best looking trailer. And now it has the point.
Coolest Lead Actor	Sean Penn from Milk, I am Sam, and Mystic River.	Marlon Wayans from Scary Movie and White Chicks.	Jessica Chastain from The Help and The Tree of Life.	Jessica will soon be unstoppable in this category, but for now, Sean Penn will win the point.
Best Cast	Nick Nolte (Warrior), Emma Stone (The Help), Ryan Gosling (Crazy, Stupid, Love), and Josh Brolin (No Country for Old Men)	Nick Swardson (Reno 911!), David Koechner (Anchorman)	Kyle Chandler (Friday Night Lights)	Gangster Squad has quite the gang of famous actors. Another point.
Best Street Cred For the Production	Director Ruben Fleischer has also directed Zombieland.	Writer Marlon Wayans has also written Scary Movie and White Chicks.	Director Kathryn Bigelow has also directed (and won the first Oscar as a female director for) The Hurt Locker.	Kathryn Bigelow currently has some of the best street cred in Hollywood. She’ll take the point this round.

So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Gangster Squad scores 3 and 5/6 points and gets a gold star*, Zero Dark Thirty scores 2 and 1/3 points, and A Haunted House scores 5/6 points.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you are a middle school boy, feel free to watch A Haunted House. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, Gangster Squad is the best movie to watch this weekend (I know Zero Dark Thirty was just nominated for Best Picture, so you'll probably want to watch it instead, but nothing about it made me want to watch it this week).
Conclusion 2: Emma Stone and Jessica Chastain know how to make a movie! And now I have a hankering to watch The Help.
*Conclusion 3: Each week the gold star will go to the movie with the best tagline. Gangster Squad’s “No Names. No Badges. No Mercy” seemed BA. Zero Dark Thirty’s superlative was all right, “The Greatest Manhunt in History.” But I didn’t understand A Haunted House’s tagline, “This $&*! Ain’t Paranormal.”

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