This Weekend, Watch This

A comparison for the new releases for September 14-16, 2012

By Curt David

September 14, 2012

Alice really dislikes the schoolgirl look.

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New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some people could pick a movie based on the title (Surprisingly, The Green Mile, 8 Mile, The Longest Yard, and Happy Feet all have different genres). Some people watch trailers (misleading), some people listen to their friends (friends can be idiots), and some people only go to the movies if their Hollywood crush is on the screen (My alphabetical actress crush list...J is for Jeri Ryan).

More likely than not, each weekend there is a movie that you have never heard of in the theaters. I'll save you the hassle of researching every movie by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then, I'll tell you which movie to watch.

For the weekend of September 14th the new movies in wide release are Finding Nemo 3D and Resident Evil: Retribution 3D.

Finding Nemo 3D Resident Evil: Retribution WINNER
(1 point per category)
Clearest TitleThis sounds like Finding Nemo is rereleased into 3D. This sounds like another Resident Evil movie. Both movies have recognizable titles. 1/2 point each.
Best Genre
and Rating
Rated G
Rated R for sequences of strong violence throughout
Both movies have different genres and ratings - I love this week. 1/2 point each.
Cleverest Tagline
(out of 5 stars)
“Sea it for the first time in 3D”

3/5- Sea it - ha.
“The ultimate battle begins.”

0/5 - What? Isn’t this like the tenth movie?
Even though this is a re-release, Finding Nemo has the better tagline. Point.
Best Part of TrailerBrings back memories of the amazing movie. The main character started the trailer in Suburbia, and then BAM! epicness. The Resident Evil trailer as a whole was better (while Finding Nemo had little clips that made you remember the fun in the movie), so Resident Evil wins the point.
Coolest Lead ActorDory, from Finding Nemo, has a positive attitude, is funny, and can talk to whales. Milla Jovovich from the other Resident Evil films. I have never met a grown man who did not like both of these characters. 1/2 point each.
Best CastMarlin, Nemo, Gil, Bubbles, Crush, and Squirt Michelle Rodriguez (Avatar) Despite my love for Finding Nemo, I love Michelle Rodriguez more. Point for her.
Best Street Cred
For the Production
It was made by Pixar/Disney, which has made the majority of the wonderful animated films out there. Writer/ Director Paul W.S. Anderson also wrote and directed other Resident Evils, Death Race, and Alien vs. Predator. Both have street cred. Yet another 1/2 point each.

So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Resident Evil: Retribution scores 4 points and Finding Nemo scores 3 points.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you prefer movies with immense critical and popular praise, feel free to just watch Finding Nemo However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, Resident Evil: Retribution is the best movie to watch this weekend (well, best new release, Finding Nemo will definitely be the better movie).
Conclusion 2: The better tagline for Finding Nemo was “There are 3.7 billion fish in the ocean. They’re looking for one.” The better tagline for this Resident Evil was, “Milla Jovovich... in 3D.”
Conclusion 3: Finding Nemo is my favorite Pixar movie.




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