This Weekend, Watch This
A comparison for the new releases for...
By Curt David
August 31, 2012
New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some people could pick a movie based on the title (Surprisingly, Brazil, Madagascar, and Australia all have different genres). Some people watch trailers (misleading), some people listen to their friends (friends can be idiots), and some people only go to the movies if their Hollywood crush is on the screen (My alphabetical actress crush list...H is for Anne Hathaway).
More likely than not, each weekend there is a movie that you have never heard of in the theaters. I'll save you the hassle of researching every movie by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then, I'll tell you which movie to watch.
For the weekend of August 31st, the new movies in wide release are Lawless, The Possession, and Oogieloves In The BIG Balloon Adventure.
| Lawless
| The Possession
| Oogieloves In The BIG Balloon Adventure
| WINNER
(1 point per category)
|
| Clearest Title | Probably an action film, but it’d be awesome if it was a Lucy Lawless documentary
| Probably a horror film, but it’d be awesome if it was a football movie
| Probably a children’s film, but it’d be awesome if this was a horror film, or a Lucy Lawless documentary
| Oogieloves has to win this point over the generic titles. It’s six words of eccentric awesomeness.
|
Best Genre
and Rating | Western
Rated R for strong bloody violence, language, and some sexuality/nudity.
| Horror
Rated PG-13 for mature thematic material involving violence and disturbing sequences.
| Family
Rated G
| Wow, I never type the word “Western” in this column...Point for Lawless.
|
Cleverest Tagline
(out of 5 stars) | “When the law becomes corrupt, the outlaws become heroes.”
2/5 - Good plot description, but boring tagline.
| “Fear the demon that doesn’t fear God.”
3/5 - That’s pretty good advice.
| In theatres Oogust 29th.
2/5 - Ha. Oogust.
| The Possession will win the point for the best tagline.
|
| Best Part of Trailer | Seemed well done. Although nothing happy was in the trailer, it did have Jessica Chastain.
| The flashlight mouth scene was the only creepy part of the trailer.
| A little trippy, a little childish, a little awful... I liked it.
| Lawless will win half a point for being kind of good, and Oogieloves will win the other half for being so bad, it was kind of good.
|
| Coolest Lead Actor | Shia LaBeouf from Transformers, Eagle Eye, and Even Stevens.
| Jeffrey Dean Morgan from Grey’s Anatomy, Watchmen, and The Losers.
| The Oogieloves: Goobie, Zoozie, and Toofie.
| I almost gave this point to the Oogieloves. Reluctantly, I’ll say Shia LaBeouf is the bigger star.
|
| Best Cast | Tom Hardy (Inception), Jessica Chastain (The Help), Guy Pearce (Prometheus), and Mia Wasikowska (Alice in Wonderland)
| Kyra Sedgwick (The Closer)
| Christopher Lloyd (Back to the Future), Cary Elwes (The Princess Bride), Jaime Pressly (My Name is Earl), Cloris Leachman and Toni Braxton
| Tom and Jessica are the “it” actors of tomorrow, but as of today, Oogieloves has the most impressive cast.
|
Best Street Cred
For the Production | Director John Hillcoat has also directed The Proposition and The Road.
| Director Ole Bornedal is a famous Danish director and directed Nightwatch.
| Oscar nominated director Matthew Diamond has also directed over 75 different TV shows.
| I don’t really know much of any of these gentlemen. I’ll give each a third of a point.
|
So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure scores 2 and 5/6 points, Lawless scores 2 and 5/6 points, and The Possession scores 1 and 1/3 points.
You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you see every horror film that comes to theaters, feel free to watch The Possession However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.
Conclusion 1: On paper, Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure and Lawless are the best movies to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: If I had to just pick one movie, I would have to go with Lawless, because no one over five-years-old wants to watch Oogieloves. But for the readers of this column who are under five who read this column (1. Impressive. 2. Thank you for reading my work), by all means, go watch Oogieloves.
Conclusion 3: And if Lucy Lawless was also in the movie Oogieloves, I would also be watching that this weekend.
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