This Weekend, Watch This
A comparison for the new releases for June 15-17, 2012
By Curt David
June 15, 2012
New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some people could pick a movie based on the title (Surprisingly, Primary Colors, The Color Purple, Ultraviolet, and Aquamarine all have different genres). Some people watch trailers (misleading), some people listen to their friends (friends can be idiots), and some people only go to the movies if their Hollywood crush is on the screen (My ultimate celebrity crush, Catherine Zeta-Jones, returns to the big screen this week!)
More likely than not, each weekend there is a movie that you have never heard of in the theaters. I'll save you the hassle of researching every movie by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then, I'll tell you which movie to watch.
For the weekend of June 15th, the new movies in wide release are Rock of Ages and That’s My Boy.
| Rock of Ages | That’s My Boy | WINNER
(1 point per category) |
| Clearest Title | I’ve never heard of this title before. | I’ve never heard of this title before. | Normally two unclear titles would each get a 1/2 point, but since Catherine Zeta-Jones is in one, Rock of Ages will get 2/3 of the point and That’s My Boy 1/3. |
Best Genre
and Rating | Musical:
Rated PG-13 for sexual content, suggestive dancing, heavy drinking, and language. | Comedy:
Rated R for crude sexual content throughout, nudity, pervasive language, and some drug use. | Normally different genres would split the point, but my first love will give Rock of Ages another 2/3 point. |
Cleverest Tagline
(out of 5 stars) | “Nuthin’ but a good time.”
1/5- I’m not sure if this is clever or not- is it referencing an '80s song or something? | “The story of a child... and his son.”
1/5This sounds funny, but refers to immaturity of a parent. | You know the drill. 1/2 point + 1/2 point X CZJ = 2/3 point for ROA and 1/3 point for TMB. |
| Best Part of Trailer | Three words. Catherine. Zeta. Jones. | I liked the plot, but I didn’t laugh too much. | Three words. She. Wins. Thepoint. |
| Coolest Lead Actor | Tom Cruise from Mission: Impossible, Top Gun, and Jerry Maguire. | Adam Sandler from Big Daddy, Happy Gilmore, and Waterboy. | Both men will get 1/2 of the cool point. (CZJ won’t disturb this score, but she'll be back in the next round). |
| Best Cast | Catherine Zeta-Jones (Chicago), Julianne Hough (Dancing with the Stars), Alec Baldwin (30 Rock), Russell Brand (Get Him to the Greek), and Mary J. Blige. | Andy Samberg (SNL), Leighton Meester (Gossip Girl), James Caan (Elf), Milo Ventimiglia (Heroes), and Vanilla Ice. | Academy Award and Tony Award winning actress Catherine Zeta-Jones will also take this point home with her. |
Best Street Cred
For the Production | Director (and choreographer!) Adam Shankman has also directed Hairspray, Bringing Down the House, and A Walk to Remember. | Director Sean Anders wrote the screenplays for Hot Tub Time Machine and will direct the Dumb & Dumber sequel. | Adam Shankman is one talented man. Point. |
So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Rock of Ages scores 5 and 1/2 points and That’s My Boy scores 1 and 1/2 points.
You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you liked Jack and Jill, feel free to watch That’s My Boy. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.
Conclusion 1: On paper, Rock of Ages is the best movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Interesting facts: Will Forte is in both movies this weekend. And Rock of Ages was written by Justin Theroux, the actor!, who also wrote Tropic Thunder and Iron Man 2.
Conclusion 3: I once met Catherine Zeta-Jones. You can read about my best day ever here: Best Day Ever
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