Rock 'n' Roll High School
By Bruce Hall
May 15, 2012
You know what's wrong with kids today? It's that rock and/or roll music that's popular now. It makes kids dance, or what passes for dancing nowadays. Why, they just gyrate their hips like sexual deviants and leer at each other like prostitutes. It turns them into undisciplined degenerates who skip class and smoke cigarettes. It makes them lippy, and disrespectful of their elders, and you know it's how you get started on the alcohol and hard drugs like that hashish you hear about on television.
And you know where it starts? It starts in school, with the lax educational system we have thanks to all the hippies and communists. If you want proof, look no further than Vince Lombardi high school. Here, the principal has just retired, having been fitted with a wacky jacket and sent into the sunset to spend his declining years in a rent free rubber room. Luckily there's a new sheriff in town, and she's getting results.
Her first day on the job, Principal Togar (Mary Woronov) breaks up a parking lot dance party, fills detention hall with refugees and puts a serious dent in the black market for counterfeit hall passes. She's not just a grim faced educator dead set on putting Lombardi High back on the map. She's also an indomitable shrew, dedicated to the proposition that life should be completely devoid of anything remotely fun or interesting. Through the magic of animal testing - because she's just like that - Togar determines that the root of all evil is ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC.
That means hard times for the student body. Head cheerleader Riff Randell (PJ Soles) is obsessed with The Ramones and has her concert tickets confiscated by Togar's Hall Monitor Goon Squad (band name alert). Meanwhile, class rapscallion Eaglebauer (think Mike Damone from Fast Times, but with a receptionist and a three piece suit) finds his black market operation floundering in the face of Togar's Law (band name alert II). He gets a break when Tom, the school quarterback, takes a liking to Riff's dorky best friend Kate (Dey Young).
For a modest fee, Eaglebauer (Clint Howard) agrees to set the two up. Riff finds a way to fight back against the system . That is, when she's not daydreaming about parading around her bedroom in her underwear as Joey Ramone (Himself - all eight foot nine of him) serenades her with his spidery arms and huge turkey neck. Her plan works well, at first. Riff and Kate bend the rules and find a way to get what they want, share it with the whole class and make the principal look like an idiot in the process. Kate gets in touch with her inner beauty, Eaglebauer gets paid, and Tom gets a shiny new pimp van.