Monday Morning Quarterback Part II

By BOP Staff

October 25, 2011

We can't imagine why the Falcons are mad.

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The problem with Three Musketeers is that no one really likes those candy bars that much

Kim Hollis: The Three Musketeers, the latest high profile 3D failure, opened to $8.7 million. What went wrong with this literary adaptation?

David Mumpower: Oddly, the same mistakes occurred here as was the case with the the last attempt at this story, 2001's The Musketeer. That title was basically an old school Hollywood stunt fest as choreographed in the style of industry legend Yuen Woo-ping, the flavor of the month at the time due to The Matrix. The Musketeer lacked heart, story or quality performances, a disappointing statement to make about a movie co-starring Stephen Rea and Tim Roth. The Three Musketeers was marketed as a special effects feast that effectively utilizes 3D technology and I'm willing to believe that is true given the presence of cinematographer Glen MacPherson, who did a phenomenal job with Resident Evil Afterlife. Still, the movie clearly isn't any good and the ads were a glorious mess of heaving bosoms, Bad Hair Club for Men, and random explosions from the Michael Bay School of Pointlessness. But hey, one out of three ain't bad. This film could prove to be profitable due to its solid overseas box office to date, but I had no interest in going to see it on opening weekend. Given how much I love this same crew when they make Resident Evil movies, that tells the entire story about how awful The Three Musketeers looks. Even if it weren't a totally pointless adaptation, it would still have no upside as a project. And seriously, find the person who authorized the hairstyles in this movie and gouge out their eyes.


Bruce Hall: I just don't know. Milla Jovovich seems to think it has something to do with Summit not putting enough marketing behind the film. I would have to disagree with that. I don't even HAVE television service, and I've seen the commercial spots and the trailers. This version of The Three Musketeers clearly has all of the machine guns, mad crazy explosions, bitchin' ninja stunts and flying CGI pirate ships I remember from the book. I guess nobody has any taste any more. I blame Facebook.

Brett Beach: Bruce, I second the WTF about Jovovich complaining about the lack of publicity for this film. It is apparently doing solid business overseas, and I feel as if I could not escape ads for the film, the last two months. If you adapt a story you supposedly love, only to "update" or "spruce" it up so that it really bears no resemblance to even the spirit of the original, you might as well go whole hog and cut all ties. I have no reverence for the Resident Evil films and in my mind PWSA peaked with Event Horizon.

Edwin Davies: I want to say "It looked really quite awful" and leave it at that, but a lot of terrible films make a hell of a lot of money, so there has to be something really special about this to make it fail so badly. I think that a large part of it is down to the same reason that horror remakes like The Thing have failed recently; it satisfies no potential audience. The changes alienate the people who might want to see a good adaptation of the source material, and the period setting and crazy outfits/hair alienate the people who don't know the book and just want to watch some 'splosions. It also didn't help that all anyone could really think of whilst watching this was "This reminds me of Wild Wild West. Gosh, Wild Wild West is a terrible film, best avoid anything the reminds me of it."

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