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Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

This is the granddaddy of them all. A legitimate cinematic abomination, the second Transformers film has the lowest Top Critics score ever recorded for a $300 million blockbuster. And a $400 million blockbuster. Yes, the venomous adjectives and action verbs directed at this title by critics fell on deaf ears. Adult men who were once teen boys didn’t care about what those stuffy eggheads had to say about Hasbro’s centerpiece product.

No, they were too busy focusing upon those hysterical motorcycles whose jive talk wasn’t the least bit racist, no sirree. And the mom with the pot brownies! How funny was that? She like cooked some brownies and didn’t even know she was smoking up then she got all stoned and stuff. It was HI-larious. And don’t even get me started on the dog who humped that person’s leg. Or the robot who humped that person’s leg! Where does Michael Bay get these original ideas? It’s like he remembers every detail of his life as a 14-year-old!

The worst part of this insipid piece of dreck is that people saw it in droves. The first Transformers earned a solid $319 million, which is 24th all-time at the time of publication of this column. Transformers: Revenge of the Hack Director and His Humpy Humpy Creatures spiked to $402 million, which was ninth (!) all-time prior to the releases of Avatar and Toy Story 3. This happened despite the fact that only 15% of top critics at Rotten Tomatoes liked the movie. That’s roughly one out of every seven, folks. Karma owes Michael Bay an epic beating. I mean one like Harry Zimm absorbs in Get Shorty. Or Apollo Creed gets in Rocky IV.

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