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When Make an Argument launched on Box Office Prophets earlier this year, I can’t say I ever intended on focusing any of my energy on live theater. I mean, Box Office Prophets is first and foremost a film industry site. After that it’s a forum for light television discussion. And then after that it’s a, you know, scantily clad women archive.

In the short time that this column has existed – this post marks its 19th edition – I’ve touched on theater just once. And even then it was more an analysis on stars generating big buzz for new productions, and how that model becomes detrimental to the likelihood of shows pushing forward after their attached A-listers move on to something else.

Similarly, that new Spider-Man musical has been the talk of Broadway lately, and I felt like something had to be said about it here. Specifically, that the production – which I haven’t seen – sounds like a $65-million mess.

Already the costliest production ever to grace the Great White Way – actually, it’s twice as expensive as the previous record holder, Shrek the Musical – Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark finally began preview performances on Monday after several costly delays. Originally scheduled to debut earlier this year in February, the musical bumped to December, and then got bumped again to January 2011.

Based on the New York Times’ review of Spider-Man’s first preview, it seems like producers should have held the show until they felt really ready.

A handful of times – five in all – the show paused to correct technical errors, including an early dismissal for intermission when Peter Parker failed to zip to the balcony area, which sits hundreds of feet from the stage. Instead, he got caught and flew about as far as the height of a regulation height basketball hoop.

And, during the second act, an ill-impressed audience member shouted, “I don’t know how everyone else feels, but I feel like a guinea pig today – I feel like it’s a dress rehearsal.”

Hell, I’m all for right-brained, creative minds doing creative things, but adapting Spider-Man to the stage was never a good idea.

For one, the show seems so marred with error and confusion and bad press that casual theatergoers – myself included – just can’t be interested in seeing the thing. Going to see Spider-Man now wouldn’t be unlike calling up a new release on Rotten Tomatoes, discovering it’s favored by relatively few critics… and then in their right minds deciding, “Well, hey. I’m gonna go see it!” (Unless they’re Snakes on a Plane-ing it).

Granted, I wouldn’t put that scenario past those enslaved by the Hollywood machine because some people are just plain clueless, but theatergoers? No. Theatergoers, I think, are more sophisticated than that. August: Osage County didn’t stick around as long as it did because its runtime rivaled Titanic. If anything, that kind of thing should’ve deterred folks some. August lingered for a year and a half because it was, basically, great live theater.

Along these lines, and I’m simplifying things here, I think the types of people who are gonna spend money on a Spider-Man musical are the very people Broadway generally makes every effort to ignore. How else to explain that Chatty Cathy who elicited that outrageous act 2 heckle? Ranting about a show is absolutely fine after the fact, much like what’s going on right here right now, but during an actual Broadway production? Please.

I think that’s what’s potentially so dangerous about a show like the Spider-Man musical. Should Spider-Man turn a profit, it wouldn’t be unreasonable for New York theater power players to adapt other Hollywood blockbusters over more intelligent, albeit untested, material. Does the theater world really need a National Treasure opera? A Meet the Fockers musical?

When Broadway got edgy by calling up vulgar Off-Broadway productions to the major leagues, I celebrated the move while others probably held their breaths. Avenue Q’s victory over Wicked at the Tonys was, of course, a total surprise. But it was also an important moment for New York theater. Potty-mouthed puppets trumping “traditional” theater? Love it.

But Spider-Man? I mean really, what’s the point? Is it merely to find out how far aerial harnessing has progressed from its Bennet Brauer days? Well, it certainly isn’t because the people behind the show were so moved by Spider-Man as children that they one day wanted to retell it for a theater-going audience. They did so because Sony managed to churn out three Spider-Man movies in five years and grossed, literally, more than a billion dollars in the U.S. alone.

To adapt Spider-Man for Broadway is about as inspired as a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Yeah, you were all innovative in cutting up a piece of fruit over simply spreading jelly, but… it’s still a sandwich.

Apparently the new G.M. at the Foxwoods Theater – Spider-Man’s home, for now – is already campaigning to veteran producers to keep his theater in mind as they develop new ideas. Even though it’s common practice for major theaters to have backups in place in the unfortunate event that their product crashes and burns, I can’t really wrap my head around the idea of a G.M. reaching out so soon.