Big Brother Recap

By Eric Hughes

July 12, 2010

I have no idea who this is yet I desperately want her to avoid elimination.

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The 12th season of Big Brother began the way every other season of the show has: With Julie Chen, perfectly groomed, as sparkly as Edward Cullen’s skin in the sun, front and center, acting like she gives a damn about the dozen or so contestants who will spend their summer “in total confinement.” Total confinement, of course, means plush living arrangements, endless supplies of food and a Jacuzzi and other backyard amenities.

As we’re given a tour of the facility, an omniscient narrator proclaims that this season of Big Brother “is going to be the most challenging summer ever.” Yes, they say this every frickin’ year. And yet, each season differs very little from the one that came before it.

This season’s “twist” is what the show dubs The Saboteur. The Saboteur isn’t playing the game to make it all the way to the end. Instead, he or she (we don’t yet know its identity) wreaks havoc on the HouseGuests and makes their time there a living hell. Were they to remain in the house for five weeks without being evicted, The Saboteur will bag $50,000.

The Saboteur is the show’s lamest attempt at a “twist.” Even Julie Chen is like, “Really? A Saboteur?” Our first taste of the Saboteur was near-ish the end when he (or she) turned the lights off. I know, right?

Next we were introduced to the season’s cast. Yes, the token black contestant and the token gay contestant were in there. One overwhelming difference this year, however, is that all 13 HouseGuests are smokin’ hot. The women are busty and the men could lifeguard on private beaches. It’s nuts how much plastic they’ve managed to stuff into their faces.




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Actually, the casting is a turn off for me. I’m sure I’ll grow to respect a handful and despise a few more, but Big Brother producers made an obvious attempt this time around at eradicating the house of ugly people.

Even worse, Big Brother attempted to cash in on the popularity of Jersey Shore – albeit seven months or so late? – by casting a guido named Enzo, of New Jersey, who says during his pre-taped introduction to his mama, “If you weren’t my mother, I’d marry you.”

Other cast members this year include an oil rig salesman named Lane, a 39-year-old podiatrist named Andrew and Rachel Reilly, of Las Vegas, who is a chemistry grad student by day, VIP cocktail waitress by night. Rachel also supports a tremendous rack of boobs. In a talking head, Monet dubs her “boob city.”

Once the yuppies were all in the house, they did the customary thing of going around the room and introducing themselves. Ragan, the gay, revealed in a talking head that he’d totally like to form an alliance with Brendon.

They hadn’t even talked strategy by that point; Ragan was just turned on by, well, Brendon. He’s a swim coach instructor from Riverside, California. And with Ragan being from West Hollywood (surprised?), things could work out for them post-Big Brother if Brendon turns out to actually like the wang.

Britney revealed herself to be a total beard when she laid claim to Ragan. Rachel revealed herself to be a total idiot when she said she spotted Andrew wearing a “Yom Kippur.”

By that point, Julie introduced the season’s “twist” and the cast members acted as surprised as ever. Enzo, in fact, let out a resounding “wow” – as if he’d just been told that his mama keeled over.

Ragan, on The Saboteur: “I did not see that coming at all.” None of us did, Ragan. None of us did.

The episode ended with the season’s first Head of Household competition. The HoH, of course, is essentially house manager for the week and has the power to nominate two HouseGuests for eviction.

Clearly out of ideas, Big Brother producers had the contestants stand on platforms, jump on a giant wiener (of the hot dog variety) and ride it to the opposite-side platform. Meanwhile, ketchup and mustard sprayed on the contestants and the wiener in an attempt to make the wiener slippery. By this point, the seven million people who tuned in for Thursday’s premiere remembered why they should have made plans.

If anything, the contest sure led to some memorable sound bites. Some favorites:

  • Kristen: “I had no idea what the strategy would be or anything.”

  • Britney: “The last thing I wanted to do was wrap myself around a
    giant wiener.”

  • Hayden: “Every time she’d get a grip and then slip right off.”

  • Britney: I lost my dignity on a slippery wiener.”


For his supreme wiener-riding abilities, Hayden, of Tempe, was awarded HoH. We’ll see who he nominates Sunday evening.


     


 
 

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