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As an aside we recently went and saw Human Centipede because I was too curious for our own good (I'll save you the of bouts of nausea and not review the film in any way). Caroline gamely agreed to come along even though I cautioned and warned her. Turnabout was fair play, so I accompanied her to see Eclipse...and neither one of us is sure who got the wrong end of that deal.

All you need to know about the movies is that Kristen Stewart plays Bella (wait for it) Swan, the object of desire for a Vvmpire, Edward Cullen (played by Robert Pattinson, his hair and the dopiest expression since Pauly Shore) and a werewolf, Jacob Black (played by Taylor Lautner and his abdominal muscles). The plot is really that simple. There's something about how the vampires and werewolves don't get along and Bella is apparently in danger because she's so incredibly desirable to the vampires that they all want to eat her.

Edward is so idealized that he literally sparkles in sunlight and his erotic prowess is such that it may just kill mortals. And yet he chastely resists Bella's mopey come-ons, vowing that they will not be together until she is 18 and they've married. He continues to profess his love for her, and yet he won't take her virginity. This is one of the few things I found unique about the movie in that it does offer a modern reinvention of vampire mythology. What we now classically think of as a vampire owes all to Bram Stoker's Dracula, which is the most famous of several vampire books based on even older legends. In that novel, the story challenges Victorian mortality (of which Twilight's Edward is a staunch defender). Edward's feelings about these values offer an interesting twist on truly classic vampire mythology. (Hey Hollywood...how about a Carmilla movie possibly staring Angelina Jolie? I promise to go to every Transformers movie from now on if you give me this).

Each of the boys profess undying devotion and steadfast love to Bella. The dialogue is deadly earnest in that only a 14-year-old can take it seriously. There is never a hint of self-awareness or that an entire world is happening around them. There is a self-absorption in the characters that is abundant and amazing. The entire movie is written as though from the pink pen of a girl's pink diary, with each word written in loopy script on a pink piece of paper...with Hello Kitty stickers in the corners.

And yet none of this matters. It somehow connects to its core audience in a way that defies criticism. This is fine. We all have touchstones. When I watch Jackass, I know it's stupid, but watching guys hit each other in the crotch with stuff will always be funny. I can't help it.

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse validates youthful ideals and connects those a bit older, disabused of those idealistic notions, to a time when they were still possible. It presents two pure flawless characters in contest with another for the soul of an equally exemplary character even if she is squeamishly uncomfortable in her own skin. In this way, she represents the time in all our lives when our self esteem is in question. It's a bit of wish fulfillment packaged in some ultimately secondary vampire/werewolf mythology. In its way, Twilight gives the audience exactly what they asked for and this is entirely a valid purpose for an artistic endeavor. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse is an attempt to connect a specific audience to a very unique time of life and it should be allowed its place.

So there you have it. It's been a rough few weeks for this reviewer. I've seen Hollywood summer schlock, movies aimed at female tweeners (and their older sisters) and a movie where people's mouths are sown to other people's butts. And while my movie loving corpse is likely truly dead, there is always hope. Perhaps next month will be better...

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