This Weekend, Watch This

A comparison of the new releases for April 16, 2010

By Curt David

April 16, 2010

Proof that comics are bad for you.

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New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some people could pick a movie based on the title (surprisingly, Escape from Alcatraz, Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, and Madagascar Escape 2 Africa all have different genres). Some people watch trailers (misleading), some people listen to their friends (friends can be idiots), and some people only go to the movies if their Hollywood crush is on the screen (My Top 5: The second best Catherine Zeta-Jones movie of all-time is Chicago).

More likely than not, each weekend there is a movie that you have never heard of in the theaters. I'll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then, I'll tell you which movie to watch.

For the weekend of April 16th, the new movies in wide release are Death at a Funeral and Kick-Ass.


Death at a FuneralKick-AssWINNER (1 point per category
Clearest TitleThe words in this title are a little depressing, and a little redundant.The words in this title have never appeared before in this family-friendly column. Despite feeling a little dirty that this is probably the first time in my life I have typed "Kick-Ass," the title is pretty clear. Kick-Ass wins the point.
Best Genre & RatingComedy Rated R for language and drug content. Action Comedy Rated R for strong brutal violence throughout, pervasive language, sexual content, nudity, and some drug use- some involving children. A kick-ass action comedy is a cool genre. Kick-Ass wins the point. (%$*&- I just remembered my mother reads this column)
Cleverest Tagline (out of 5 stars)The story of a family that puts the F U in Funeral Hahaha, that's funny. It clearly shows that there'll be some funny family strife. 4/5 stars I can't fly but I can kick your ass. This tagline helps highlight the plot of regular people pretending to be superheroes. Clever. 3/5 starsHow many more times can I type "F U" and "Kick-Ass"?? (I mean, my pastor can find this link on my facebook page!) Death at a Funeral wins this round.
Cleverest Tagline (out of 5 stars)This is one sad family. What is going on!?!?! I looked up the wrong "Death at a Funeral" movie from 2007, not 2010. This is the tagline for the one coming out this week- so not as cool as the one from three years ago! 0/5 starsI can't fly but I can kick your butt. I edited this tagline since I had to type it over again. Still 3/5 stars.I am so angry at Death at a Funeral for not having the first tagline, why I could just swear. Kick you-know-what- takes back the point from Death at a Funeral.
Best Part of Trailer I laughed at five different spots in this trailer, which may be a record for this year.Perhaps the best idea for a movie ever...Death at a Funeral and the other movie split the point for both having decent trailers.
Coolest Lead ActorMartin Lawrence from Bad Boys and Big Mamma's House, and their sequels, is the main character in this movie. Aaron Johnson, born in 1990, had some small parts in other films and TV shows. Am I the only one that thinks it is strange that someone that was born in the '90s is an adult? And he's expecting a child. That's depressing for me. (*$&$#* #&@#) Martin gets the point.
Best Cast MemberZoe Saldana was absolutely amazing in Avatar and should have gotten nominated for the Best Actress Oscar (BACK OFF HATERS!!!! I speak the *$@&$#ing truth!)Nicolas Cage can make a movie awesome (Con Air, Face/Off, National Treasure). He's also been in other movies. Zoe, and 20 other famous supporting characters, make Death at a Funeral win another point.
Best Street Cred for the ProductionDirector Neil LaBute has also directed Lakeview Terrace, The Wicker Man, and Nurse Betty. Matthew Vaughn has directed the critically acclaimed movies Stardust and Layer Cake.Seriously, both movies have higher than 75%s at Rotten Tomatoes. Vaughn wins this round.



So out of a *$& maximum of 7 *%$!# points per movie, Kick-Rear-End scores 4 1/2 points and $*#& Death at a Funeral scores (*$&(@ 2 1/2 points.

You may interpret this @#*& column for your own *#$&* movie *@&#preferences. For example, if you disapprove of the title of one of the movies, go see the other one. However, if you are still on the &%# fence, please read the following @$#* conclusions from the *($&# scientific data !&@&* gathered in this &*$%# column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, Kick-Tush is the movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: Other synonyms I could have used in this column are: bottom, backside, behind, bottom, bum, fanny, hindquarters, posterior, rump, seat, derriere, or gluteus maximus.
Conclusion 3: I just put random symbols in that last paragraph. I state this fact in case you somehow thought you translated it correctly.



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