This Weekend, Watch This
A comparison of the new releases for February 19, 2010
By Curt David
February 19, 2010
New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some people could pick a movie based on the title (surprisingly, Halloween, Groundhog Day, and Independence Day all have different genres). Some people watch trailers (misleading), some people listen to their friends (friends can be idiots), and some people only go to the movies if their Hollywood crush is on the screen (IMDb has Ms. Zeta-Jones rumored to be making a movie called Dali. She might play Mrs. Salvadore Dali).
More likely than not, each weekend there is a movie that you have never heard of in the theaters. I'll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then, I'll tell you which movie to watch.
For the weekend of February 19th, the new movies in wide release are Shutter Island and, what? That's the only movie??? I hate when this happens. What am I even supposed to do with my comparison chart???
| Shutter Island | N/A | WINNER
(1 point per category)
|
| Clearest Title | This is not a clear title. Why is the island shuttering? What is a shutter? Is it like a window shade or is it the action of a camera lens? | THIS IS NOT EVEN A TITLE!!
There's no movie here! | I'm so frustrated. Shutter Island gets the point, and the title didn't tell me anything! |
| Best Genre & Rating | Mystery/Thriller
Rated R for disturbing violent content, language and some nudity
| NOTHING!
I'm about to lose it. Literally.
| The frickin' Shutter Island automatically gets the second point! Why am I still writing this column? |
Cleverest Tagline
(out of 5 stars) | Someone is missing.
Really? Really, that's all you are going to give me for a tagline?
1/5 stars.
| AAARRRRRGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! | I will not give a point to the tagline "Someone is missing"! What? there's no other taglines to choose from? FINE! Point for Shutter Island. |
| Best Part of Trailer | It looked scary. The scariness was the best part of the trailer. | Your mom. Your mom was the best part of the trailer. | I'm sorry. That actually was uncalled for on my part. I'm just a little upset. Shutter Island gets the point. |
| Coolest Lead Actor | Leonardo DiCaprio, who was only in the second highest grossing movie of all time, is in this movie. Couldn't they get Sam Worthington? | Calm down Curt. Count down from ten. | Ten. Nine. Eight. Shutter Island Seven. Six. Five. Gets another point. Four. Three. Two. By Default. One. Whew. |
| Best Cast Member | Ben Kingsley is in this! That actually makes me happy. You go, Gandhi! | I'm okay with this round. | Point goes to Shutter Island. |
Best Street Cred
For the Production | Director Martin Scorsese has also directed Leonardo in Gangs of New York, The Aviator, and The Departed. | Finally, this column is almost over. | Shutter Island gets the last point too. |
So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Shutter Island gets, yep, all seven.
You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you don't want to see Shutter Island, stay home this weekend. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.
Conclusion 1: With 100% certainty, Shutter Island is the best new film to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: This is the second time your mom was nominated for a point in the "This Weekend, Watch This" column. Check out the October 9, 2009 column for her other nomination.
Conclusion 3: Last week, I mentioned that the movie Valentine's Day had a large amount of actors. One of the best English teachers in the country emailed me the following piece of advice, of which I am grateful. (Hmm, is "of which I am grateful" grammatically correct?)
"I thought I'd take a moment to teach you something, since we are both teachers:
The word "amount" is used for items you can carry in a bucket...like water or pounds of rice, or metaphorically speaking, love. The word "number," however, is used for items you can count, like cups of water, grains of rice, women you have loved, students in a classroom, or actors in a movie. So, your statement that a movie has a large "amount" of actors should say a large "number" of actors...or a number of large actors, depending upon their size! Lesson of the day over...Thanks for teaching me about the movies I never see; it helps me keep up with my students who actually do watch movies!*"
*And thank you for schooling me in the art of grammar. (Schooling means the act of "humiliating or destroying" someone, like "I schooled you in basketball". Yet, in my sentence, it is almost like a pun, as it uses the word school, and you are teaching me a valuable lesson about grammar).
*And that last sentence from the email, my friends, is one of the reasons I write this every week. It's my way of serving you.
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