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Meanwhile, Russell puts Tom in a figure-four leg-lock (we're not even joking here) as Probst shouts, "Play fair down there." Yes, Jeff, we're certain that you want the fairest possible competition in this and aren't at all concerned about the ratings boon of Russell breaking an older guy's leg. Anyway, as Colby heads to the finish, Coach makes a genius play by letting Colby do most of the work (isn't that just like a power top?) only to use all his progress against him in the end, just as Tina Wesson had once done. Colby is derailed at the last moment and Coach maneuvers their coupling to his side of the finish line to score the point. They're also now married in some countries and we guess Colby is the bride. Survivor is a strange game.

The fourth leg sees Sugar and Candice face off against Sandra and Courtney. Speaking of ratings, this one goes exactly the way everyone was hoping. After several tackles, leg whips and even a forearm shiver, Sugar finds herself in control of the bag. At this point, Sandra unhooks her bra (again, not joking about this) in anticipation of Sugar modestly covering herself at the expense of control of the pouch. That...doesn't happen. Sandra didn't do her homework on this. Sugar is a pin-up girl who is quite comfortable with her top off (seriously, look her up on google images...like the fourth result is her topless). She gleefully slides out of the remainder of her bra, escapes her opponent and rushes to the finish line. When she gets there, she spikes the bag and flips off the competition. No, it is not particularly heroic, but it is all kinds of bad-ass. THERE is the Sugar we love.

The final match is James and Rupert versus Tyson and Boston Rob in a matchup of three of the strongest physical competitors in the history of the game...and Tyson. This one is a foregone conclusion from the start. We love Rob, but he'd be a draw against Rupert or James. There is no way he can beat both on his own and Tyson has the upper body of...well, Courtney. He's useless in every sense of the word. Once the package is unearthed, Rob is left trying to fend off two people and he cannot do it. James gets out in open space, makes Rob miss on a would-be tackle and runs to the finish line, giving the Heroes the first victory of the competition, albeit at a stiff price in terms of physical health. This was shockingly great television in terms of intensity and has us very enthusiastic about the rest of the premiere as well as the full season. The Heroes and the Villains appear to genuinely dislike one another, making this the reality television answer to pro wrestling. In conclusion for today, we would like to end with a fitting quote.

"The Villains lost. Do you think that really bothers me? Losing? ‘Cause I'm used to losing." You said it, Evil Loser Russell. We couldn't have said it better ourselves, you complete fraud.

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