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The Mummy Returns (2001)

Hey, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, I have a message for you: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. No really, HAHAHAHAHA! Wow, I guess I'm not even close to being a good sport. I'll have to work on that. But can you blame my laughter? He sold out his action-fanbase, which wasn't all that big to begin with, to become the latest family-film muscle man. The Game Plan? Race to Witch Mountain? I can only hope he learned a lesson from the failure of last weekend's Tooth Fairy. He probably didn't, though. I know I'm not clamoring for his comeback, because I've had a chip on my shoulder for him since he used my beloved Mummy Returns to introduce his "talents." These talents include making a laughable CGI Scorpion King, which was apparently just ridiculous enough to warrant him a spin-off, The Scorpion King (clever, right?).


But this isn't about The Scorpion King, because I would never recommend that. This is a throwback to the film that started The Rock's film career. At the time, The Mummy Returns was the biggest opening weekend ever, so it's safe to say he got the publicity he was looking for to help boost his status. The Mummy Returns is about... a mummy that returns! Brendan Fraser fights the mummy, Rachel Weisz (who I adore) helps him, and this time around they have a child to make things more difficult, especially when the mummy kidnaps him. It's not rocket science, people. It's a summer blockbuster with more action and CGI than the original. Sure, it's mindless and won't change your view of the world, but if you can sit there and support other crap blockbusters (rhymes with smish-smAvatar), then there's no reason you shouldn't support The Mummy Returns. Oh, why, because it was directed by Stephen Sommers? So was G.I. Joe, and some of you were dumb enough to watch that too.

In Good Company (2004)

Now here is a quality movie that a star of last weekend's new releases was a part of. Legion opened a few days ago to higher than expected numbers, which is great considering that Dennis Quaid isn't all that bankable. Remember Pandorum? Yeah, I don't either. And in six months (or maybe even six weeks), I won't remember Legion. That doesn't mean he hasn't starred in some great movies, as the former Mr. Meg Ryan built a career on more than just the abandonment of his trampy, lip-injected ex-wife. Can you tell which side of that divorce I support?

With In Good Company, Quaid plays off that noble-man image. Middle-aged family man, hard worker, and father; he's your everyday, average guy. That is, until his company is taken over, he's given a boss half his age, and his daughter... well, I won't ruin all the fun for you. But having a boss young enough to date your daughter (wink, wink) is enough of a complication to warrant a movie, especially if that daughter is Scarlett Johansson. While I get the feeling she's a total Meg Ryan in reality (ie. hoochie bitch), she's so unbelievably sexy and radiant on screen in everything that she does that I'll totally forgive her. She can be whatever she wants to be, because she is the cherry on top of this already delicious movie.

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