This Weekend, Watch This
By Curt David
December 4, 2009
New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some people could pick a movie based on the title (surprisingly, Blues Brothers, Step Brothers, Four Brothers, Band of Brothers, and Super Mario Brothers are all different genres). Some people watch trailers (misleading), some people listen to their friends (friends can be idiots), and some people only go to the movies if their Hollywood crush is on the screen (Dear Catherine Zeta-Jones, I have even seen your movie Death Defying Acts).
More likely than not, each weekend there is a movie that you have never heard of in the theaters. I'll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then, I'll tell you which movie to watch.
For the weekend of December 4th, the movies opening in wide release are: Armored, Brothers, and Everybody's Fine.
| Armored | Brothers | Everybody's Fine | WINNER
(1 point per category) |
| CLEAREST TITLE | I hope this is a cartoon about a superhero group comprised of a turtle, an armadillo, and a snail. | I hope this is a movie about brothers, otherwise this is the worst title ever. | I hope this movie is a disaster movie in the vein of 2012. | Brothers gets the point for the clearest title. |
| BEST GENRE & RATING | Action/Thriller
Rated PG-13 for scenes of intense violence, some disturbing images, and brief strong language. | Drama
Rated R for language and some disturbing violent content. | Comedy/Drama
Rated PG-13 for thematic elements and brief strong language. | Parents be warned, each movie has inappropriate language (and each movie will split the point). |
| BEST TAGLINE | Who will be the last man standing? | There are two sides to every family. | Frank wanted the holidays to be picture perfect. What he got was family. | Armored has the best tagline. Point. |
| BEST PART OF TRAILER | The twist, for a stealing-money-from-an-armored-truck plot, is much more impressive than I would have thought. | Awkward situation, probably well-acted by the cast. | Awwww. This movie seems uplifting, perfect for the holidays. | I wasn't expecting Everybody's Fine to be any good, and then it ended up looking very good. It wins this point. |
| COOLEST LEAD ACTOR | Matt Dillon, from There's Something About Mary, has a large vinyl-record collection. | Tobey Maguire, from the Spider-Man Trilogy, enjoys playing chess. | Robert DeNiro, from Raging Bull, is left-handed. | Robert De Niro is one of the best actors of all-time (can you argue that?) and wins this round. |
| BEST CAST MEMBER | Laurence "Morpheus" Fishburne | Natalie "Queen Amidala" Portman | Drew "Gertie from E.T." Barrymore | Oh shoot. Drew Barrymore usually trumps her competition in This Weekend, Watch This (see 10/2), but Natalie Portman might be my future wife. Natalie wins. |
| BEST STREET CRED FOR THE PRODUCTION | Directed by Nimrod Antal, who previously directed the movie Vacancy. | Directed by Jim Sheridan, who previously directed the movie In America, and who has six Oscar nominations. | Directed by Kirk Jones, who previously directed the movie Nanny McPhee. | Jim Sheridan, and his six Oscar nominations, gives the point to Brothers. |
So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Brothers scores 3 1/3 points, Everybody's Fine scores 2 1/3 points, and Armored scores 1 1/3 points.
You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you are a kid, you probably want to see Fantastic Mr. Fox instead. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.
Conclusion 1: On paper, Brothers is the movie to watch this weekend.
Conclusion 2: This column serves as proof of copyright for my superhero movie ARMORED! The wise turtle, the zany armadillo, and the wise-cracking snail will solve the mystery of the missing acorns.
Conclusion 3: The tagline for said movie will either be, "Tough nuts are hard to crack," or "Under every tough shell is someone who wants to kick butt."
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