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Take Five

By George Rose

November 26, 2009

It's a message from the future saying you'll be a much bigger star than me. That can't be right!

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4) Last, but not least, nothing you do at this point will matter. You were afraid of your first post-Titanic film so much that you pushed away your fans for a decade, so that no matter how good your next movie was (though I expected it would suck), you'd have a scapegoat for the lackluster performance. That's just my bitterness speaking. Okay, fine, I have a personal vendetta against Cameron. My brother, on the other hand, does not. In fact, he thinks Avatar is going to be awesome and great and blah blah blah. I stopped listening my brother ramble on with blind devotion because I had to listen to the news on TV. Guess what was reported? The Twilight Saga's New Moon made $142 million this weekend. Now THAT is a blockbuster performance. James, you may still have fans, but they are a dying breed. The people have spoken: we want the fairy tale love you speak of but we need to know it's unrealistic. Vampires and humans? Vamps don't exist, so you can make them have whatever weird romance triangles you want. You, James, are just a flat out liar. You lied to me in Titanic and now I don't trust Avatar. You want my trust and love back? Earn it. I'll forgive the Avatar love story in advance because it's a human and a Smurf, which is unrealistic (and thus acceptable) like Twilight. But if people could pick on WALL-E, I can pick on you for your blatant attack on humankind's greed and war mongering. I like to think I'd be friends with the Smurfs and ask them nicely for their resources. Don't you know what bartering is? I'd also like to think I can move on and enjoy the James Cameron name again, but it looks like I'll have to wait for the post-Avatar release. The trailer is a disappointment, the story is a disappointment and, after New Moon's success, its box office is going to be a disappointment. There's only one way to enjoy Avatar: intoxicated at the sold out midnight show premier. Guess how I'll be seeing the movie?

Well, James, it's been fun catching up. In 12 years I've only gotten better. I'm glad to see you've spent your time growing as well. It would be great if I could write to you again and apologize for being wrong, but I'm not sure that's the likely outcome here. I'm sure I'll be confirming all my thoughts after Avatar's December 18th release. Until then, keep working on its final cut. Oh, and enjoy the holidays! Thanksgiving is going to be mmm-mmm-good! If you're wondering where I'll be up until your release, well, I'll probably be seeing New Moon for the second, third and fourth time. It may have been only a mediocre movie and a slight disappointment, but at least it wasn't a giant middle finger in my direction.

Your old friend,
George

P.S. – If you have some free time in your busy final days before Avatar, you should check out one of the following five movies. They aren't the greatest films ever and aren't for everyone, but I personally enjoyed them. Hopefully, you'll watch them and think of me.

P.S. 2: Judgment Day – By the way, New Moon called. They told me to pass along a message: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" That sure was rude of them.




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True Lies (1994)

After that rant, I owe James Cameron a recommendation. I just like to rag on him because of how devoted his following is. It isn't natural for someone to be so worshipped. I mean, I blindly follow certain actors/actresses/directors, but even I am willing to admit their flaws. New Moon was a disappointment, a bit long, and wasn't a whole lot different from the first Twilight. Taylor Lautner can't act and, I swear to God, if I hear Robert Pattinson say "you're the only reason I live" or "I can't imagine a life without you" or some sappy crap like that again, I might put a power drill to my temple. But I love New Moon. See how that's done everyone? I love New Moon, but it's flawed. Now can I get a James Cameron fan to volunteer and say the same thing? Didn't think so.

To show I'm the bigger man, I'll let you sit in silence and tell you about this James Cameron movie I loved growing up, and still love to this day. True Lies is about a secret agent (Schwarzenegger) and his unaware suburban family. His family gets involved with his latest mission, tearing his worlds apart as they clash together. Though this simple version of the plot may seem serious, the action film is actually quite funny. Schwarzenegger's right hand man is played by Tom Arnold, full of one liners and comedic support. While hilarious, he isn't really necessary; Schwarzenegger's relationship with Curtis spirals out of control with laughter once she becomes involved her own secret affairs, which helps makes you care about them enough to be affected by the real troubles that stem once she discovers the truth about her husband. To round out the already awesome cast is Eliza Dushku as their daughter, before she became tarnished with age and appearances in... well... basically her entire resume, sans Brings It On and Buffy. After True Lies, the entire cast seems to have given up on making quality films but True Lies will forever remain a reminder of the great work that contributes to certain celebrities becoming overrated.


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