This Weekend, Watch This

By Curt David

October 9, 2009

Given that Kristen's short, the chick on the right must be about 4'6'

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New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some people could pick a movie based on the title (surprisingly - Saw, Blade, and Hook are all different genres). Some people watch trailers (misleading), some people listen to their friends (friends can be idiots), and some people only go to the movies if their Hollywood crush is on the screen (Dear Catherine Zeta-Jones, can you please make a sequel to Entrapment???)

More likely than not, each weekend there is a movie that you have never heard of in theaters. I'll save you the hassle of researching every movie, by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then, I'll tell you which movie to watch.

For the weekend of October 9th, Couples Retreat is the only movie in wide release. Hmmm, I wonder how this will affect my comparison chart.


Couples Retreat WINNER (1 point per category)
Clearest TitleMy guess is a group of couples will most likely go away on a retreat and hilarity or conflict will ensue. There actually isn't a title to write about. Couples Retreat wins the point for the clearest title.
Best Genre & RatingComedy PG-13This isn't applicable either. Wow, Couples Retreat wins this round too!
Best TaglineIt may be paradise, but it's no vacation *&^$% Okay, this is getting frustrating. (Don't worry, there will be three new releases next weekend.)
Best Part of TrailerTrying to figure out where I had seen all the actors before (that's the girl from Watchmen!) Couples Retreat splits this point with the non-existent movie. This trailer should have been a lot funnier.
Lead ActorJason Bateman (who looks exactly like Nathan Fillion), from Arrested Development and Juno fame. Your mom1Because Jason and Nathan have a longer resume than your mom, Couples Retreat wins another point.
Best Cast MemberKristen Bell aka Veronica Mars. I think I am in love with Kristen Bell. Kristen Bell scores another point for Couples Retreat.
Best Street Cred for the ProductionComedic actors John Favreau and Vince Vaughn wrote this comedy.I don't know if acting funny is the same thing as writing funny. Couples Retreat will only score 1/2 a point for this round.



So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, Couples Retreat scores 6 points.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you like dramas, stay home this weekend. However, if you are still on the fence on which new release to watch this weekend, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: With 100% confidence, I declare that Couples Retreat is the best new release to watch this weekend.

Conclusion 2: I already wrote this column once and compared Couples Retreat with the movie Night of the Demons. Then Night of the Demons switched its release date to February 2010. Now I loathe Night of the Demons based on this fact alone.

1I'm sorry that I typed about your mom. (And that she didn't win a point)


     


 
 

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