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Survivor: Samoa

It's Called a Russell Seed

By Kim Hollis and David Mumpower

October 1, 2009

He didn't want to stay on a tribe with this pansies anyway.

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Previously on Survivor, the villain of the show found an Immunity Idol sans benefit of the clue. It was very Hans Gruber of him. Also, one hothead was kicked out of a challenge for tripping an opponent and was unapologetic about it after the fact. Later, some crazy chick went to the other team's camp and proceeded to tell them why they were so awful. This season of Survivor has more heels than the NWO (oh no! Both the Amazing Race Recap *and* the Survivor Recap have wrestling references this week!). One other note: this is pure speculation on our part, but this season is shaping up as one where one tribe gets completely exterminated before the other tribe is forced to turn on one another. Foa Foa is already down 10-7 and the guy who seems to be guiding all the votes is Loki's #1 fan.

We open the show with a conversation between the "tribe leader" Mick and Jaison. They're both pretty pissed at Ben, who did everything he could to belittle and berate Yasmin. Both men seem to agree that there were some racial overtones to Ben's rant, and Jaison comments that it was all he could do not to take action against his tribemate for his vile words. Meanwhile, Evil Russell is asking Natalie who she thinks should be next to go. She thinks they should take a wait and see approach, which leads Evil Russell to feel even more superior about his Survivor skills versus his tribemates. Russell is like a child playing chess. He likes to look at the pieces, he likes to move the pieces and he likes to make big moves. However, he has no real end move to go in for the win.

"I'm gonna have 'em all under control like zombies walkin' around." -- Evil Russell. You and Woody Harrelson, buddy.

Ben diminishes all women throughout the world for their hand size. Bad news for all the Lara Croft types: Your hands are just too small to wield weaponry. Ben wants you to know that any attempt to cut wood, start fires and the like will be undone by, oh, we don't know. Let's just say your boobs. It makes sense to Ben and that's all that matters.




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So flawed are his people skills that even Evil Russell is worried that Ben is going to get himself voted off the island too soon. Evil Russ sees his compadre as a strong performer in challenges, which we consider an odd assessment of the first ever contestant to be kicked out of a challenge for sour grapes based cheating.

Let's go over to Galu camp. You know, Galu? Remember them? Things are really tense over there. Why, it's the most stressful yoga exercise we've ever seen! Four of them are completely at peace with nature, including one guy wearing knee socks.

"Screw yoga, man," says Shambo, who doesn't remember anyone ever doing these particular exercises in any Sylvester Stallone film she watch (though she never saw Judge Dredd. Nobody saw that). It's like she's just stumbled into some bad improv class, where people are waving there arms and paddling their legs in the air. Essentially, it's the same thing we see every season. The older generation feels a duty to work and provide sustenance for the group, and then resents the youngsters who are just trying to enjoy this once in a lifetime experience, man.


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