Selling Out

By Tom Macy

June 23, 2009

Battlebots was better.

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It's hard to recollect but for a good span these were my admitted favorite films of all time. Walking out of Broken Arrow, I promptly declared it had supplanted Jurassic Park in the top slot (though to this day, Jurassic Park is and will always be the greatest movie-going experience of my life. Happy Father's Day, Dad). In talking with my friend about why Arrow was so awesome I established that one of the main qualifiers was that it managed to have fight scenes on almost every mode of transportation - car, plane, boat (sort of), train, jeep, helicopter, cave. I carried this multiple transit meter and applied it to other films, living and dying by it as a measure of cinematic quality. Side note: I'm happy to say that Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade still appears to be the winner. They cover all of Broken Arrow's and throw in a motorcycle and a blimp. Well done, Indy.

Then just a few months after Arrow rocked my world I was Bayanized by The Rock. I saw it twice on opening weekend and was never the same. They may not have fought on a train but they did have some super awesome underwater-sub-motorcycle-thing. I loved this movie so much that I abandoned the transit meter and with my cousin's help, created a simpler model. This new model was The Rock Meter, wherein any time we saw a movie we thought was good we'd watch The Rock again to see how it measured up. As you can probably guess, The Rock was never topped. My cousin is now a professional film editor, an encyclopedia of film, and totally embarrassed.




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This journey into my past has unearthed a reality of my youth. I may not like to admit it but here it goes. A major seed of my cinematic obsession was planted by Michael Bay. Back in the days when a new summer actioner really was an event and every trailer was for a sequel I didn't know was being made, Bay was my master. And while I don't plan to stop riding him for every Pearl Harbor (worst movie ever? Certainly in the conversation) he releases, I have to give him credit for some of the most fun I've ever had at the movies.

I haven't seen Broken Arrow for years, and I think I'll keep it that way. But I did catch the better part of the Rock on TV recently. And yeah, it's pretty hilariously bad, from the quarter second cuts to Hans Zimmer's frying pan to the face score – both things I loved when it came out. But when Nicholas Cage shoves the translucent green snow globe that makes your skin melt off in the guy's mouth and says "eat that!", deep down inside there was a 13-year-old high-fiving himself.

So, I thank my sister's beau for the enlightenment. Because of him, when I plop down after dropping $18.50 for a ticket to Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: The IMAX Experience, I will have checked the snarky-Bergman-lover at the door and let my inner Michael Bay fan tag along instead. This time he'll have someone to slap hands with.


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