June 2009 Forecast
By Bender B. Rodriguez
June 5, 2009
Listen, you fat Internet nerds! Shut up and pay attention to me, Bender! For some reason, the people here at BOP asked me to offer up my thoughts on new movies for June. I wasn't not sure why, because I support and oppose many things, but usually not strongly enough to pick up a pen. Then I realized that they just wanted my input because I was kind of like a Transformer once, when I turned into a killer car. That's all a long time into the future, though. It is high time that man learn that all races are equally inferior to robots, so let's get this party started.
1) Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
I care deeply about things that remind me of myself, and find myself relating to Megatron. Like him, I do think of human life as expendable. Also, is it wrong for me to think that maybe Shia LaBeouf and his friend Bumblebee have a little robosexual something something going on? Sure, they make it look like he's got a romance with that skank Megan Fox, but I think the kid has metal fever! Since revenge is in the title of this movie, here's hoping we get lucky and it's hasta la vista, meatbags!
2) The Hangover
Second place? That's a fancy word for losing. I guess I can talk about the rest of these crappy movies, but I don't have to like it. I do kinda like these Hangover guys, though. For my part, I don't need to drink. I can quit any time I want. But when you see the fun shenanigans that you can experience if you have a hangover, why would you want to quit? Hell, it makes me want to go back to manufacturing Benderbrau.
3) The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3
Explosions are awesome, and we all know we can count on Tony Scott for a lot of those. And Denzel is all right, but that crazy scientologist John Travolta is a dirty, double-crossing bastard! In the year 3000, that jerk owes me money! Well, his head in a jar does, anyway. That guy is screwier than my Aunt Rita, and she's a screw. Anyway, I hope somebody kicks his ass hard in this movie, and preferably before he has a chance to laugh that ridiculous cackle of his.
4) Land of the Lost
This movie looks like a complete load! And I like yelling as much as anyone, but even I think that Will Ferrell does it too much. Eventually, he'll conquer the world by performing the ultimate poop joke. It will be a dark time in Earth's history. That's what I learned at Bending College, anyway.
5) Year One
I think this movie is about cavemen. And biblical times. I was God once. I was doing well until everyone died. Anyhoo, the plot of this movie makes perfect sense. Wink, wink. Give Jack Black all your money. (That guy's head in a jar owes me big bucks, too.)
6) The Proposal
I've been in love before. You know. Flexo's ex-wife, Planet Express Ship. I don't understand meatbag love, though. Fry pines for Leela and it seems awfully painful. I guess I'm lucky because I hate the people who love me. And they hate me.
7) Imagine That
Will Eddie Murphy mug for the camera in Imagine That? Is the Space Pope reptilian?
Really, I'm feeling pretty generous today - like that time I gave blood. So, hey everybody! Go see Eddie Murphy's big movie! And then do the Bender! Ooh aah!
8) My Sister's Keeper
As a robot, I can't feel human emotions, and sometimes that makes me sad. If I were human, though, I would think that My Sister's Keeper looks interesting. No, wait. The other thing. Tedious.
9) Away We Go
Away I Go is more like it. Why I am the guest host in the most boring month of the year? I'm sorry. I meant mind-numbingly interesting.
10) My Life in Ruins
Once, Nia Vardalos was on top of the world. Now, she's boned. If you go see this movie, you'll be boned, too.