April 2009 Forecast
By Paul Walker as Brian O'Conner
April 3, 2009
There are a lot of movies coming out in April, bro. I like movies. They allow me to shut my brain down for awhile...
Fast & Furious
This is my movie, bro! Fast cars, buff dudes (I'm talking about me), hot chicks, and crazy action! Me & Dom, reunited. I told that other dude that he was a good driver, but Dom is the best driver (besides me) that I know. I can't wait for people to see my movie. People tell me I might get an award for my acting. They say it's called the Razzie. Any word with two "Zs" in it is awesome. My movie will make killer cash, bro. Bank on it.
Observe & Report
So there's this dude named Seth Rogen. I never see him driving cars pumped with nitrous or flexing his muscles with his shirt off. But some of his movies have done, like, as good as some of mine. Bro, this guy is not Hollywood. And he could never score a chick like Anna Faris, bro. Anna, call me.
Hannah Montana: The Movie
Whoa. How old is this Hannah Montana chick? She's sort of hot. Not hot like Anna Faris, but still, bro. I wonder if her achy breaky Dad would stand in my way if I wanted to make a play for her. Hannah would probably be impressed by my driving skills. And my pecs. I'll call the Disney Channel and get her phone number.
Bro, I'm not sure I like this Zac Efron kid. His abs are like as nice as mine and stuff. People might think he's the new young hotness. My movie will still crush his, because he doesn't drive cars or know how to use nitrous. Maybe some awesome girls kissing each other shots in the 17 Again trailer would have helped. I bet that Vanessa Hudgens would like to check out my awesomeness. I'll call the Disney Channel and get her phone number.
Crank: High Voltage
Jason Statham is a good driver, bro. He's also a good fighter. He also has great pecs and abs. Jason Statham and I should hang out. We could double date those Disney chicks.
Beyonce is so smokin', bro. They should have gotten her to be in my movie. We'd all be ignoring Jordana Brewster and Michelle Rodriguez because Beyonce has so much going on. She's so fine, bro. Until she asks me to put a ring on it.
State of Play
Russell Crowe used to be all buff. Now he's just kind of a fat old dude, bro. He's an angry guy, though. I think people should go see his movie so that he doesn't throw a phone at them. It won't have any fast or furious cars, so I know it's not interesting to very many people. Just be safe, bros.
Roller coasters are cool, bro. Some of them go fast like our nitrous-powered cars.
Oh, Ryan Reynolds is in this movie? Not interested, dude. He's, like, always putting on airs because he's funny and smart and the ladies think his body is smokin'. Plus, he got that mega hot Scarlett Johansson to marry him. Scarlett, you could have been mine. I'm not bitter, though.
Oh, hey, bro. It's Iron Man and Ray Charles. That seems like a weird crime-fighting duo to me. Especially if the superhero is named The Soloist. I like movies, but sometimes I don't understand everything that happens in them. I also like tuna sandwiches.
Terrence Howard is a weird, weird guy, bro. He's angry like Russ Crowe, but with an extra "women are unclean" rage. Either way, I wouldn't mess with him in a movie named Fighting. It's like he has permission to be as crazy as he wants.