New at BOP: Review: Matrix Resurrections Movie Review: Moonfall Movie Reviews: Scream The #1 Movie in America November Forecast The Many Saints of Newark October Forecast New Trivia Question All site updates Share & Save   Tweet Print this column

Which makes it all the more difficult to talk about the films you have been making the last few years. As awful as they are (and some of them are dreadful), you never give the impression that you realize you're working on dreck. This is admirable on one level, and a little heartbreaking on another.

Let's take Suspect Zero, for example. You played a serial killer-killing serial killer plagued with psychic visions. I remember how serial killer movies were all the rage at the time, but the script by Zak Penn (Inspector Gadget, PCU) was embarrassingly cheesy and blatantly stole the ending of Se7en.

Or what about The Sound of Thunder? I'm one of eight people who paid to see it, so, unlike the public at large, I haven't forgotten about it. Everyone loves that Ray Bradbury story, but I bet the producers spent more on Ed Burns' hair than on the film itself. Did someone pitch it to you as "like a Sci-Fi Original Movie but way cheaper-looking"? Because they should have. And that should have been on the posters too, like a Surgeon General's warning. "Asbestos for the eyes!" That should have been its tagline.

Here's a quick story about Thunderbirds, your 2004 directed-by-Lt. Riker kids flick. It opened the same day as The Village. My friend and I bought tickets for it early (remember, I'm a fan of yours) and went to dinner. By the time we came back, they had cancelled all showings of Thunderbirds on its opening day to make room for more Village screenings. Now, that's a bomb!

I haven't even gotten to BloodRayne yet! You're a respected, Oscar-winning actor. What the hell were you doing in a Uwe Boll film? Did you lose a bet? Did he box you into submission? Did he have naughty photos of you and Sigourney on the set of Death and the Maiden? Okay, that's in bad taste - even I know that, but look how exasperated you've made me! Uwe Boll shouldn't even be allowed in the same room as Tara Reid, much less an actor of your stature! I can only assume the money was staggering, but how many Swiss chalets do you need?

I'm all worked up, and there's still Lucky Number Slevin and Love Guru to talk about. I bet Slevin, at least on the script level, seemed like it would be fun. I thought so from the trailers. But that was a mess and a half. And Love Guru couldn't even have looked good on paper. Maybe you thought it would be a riot to send up your Gandhi role by playing cross-eyed, suggestively-named Guru Tugginmypudha, or that it would be fun to work with Mike Myers. I bet you don't think so now.

Eh, enough with the finger-wagging. Let's end on a positive note. I thought you were fantastic in last year's underseen The Wackness. And, while neither Elegy nor Transsiberian did much for me, you gave solid performances and the films were generally well-received. Plus, you're in the new Scorsese movie, Shutter Island! So things are already looking up from the dark days of bad CGI dinosaurs and sitar versions of Extreme songs. All I really wanted to ask is that you continue to look for challenging work by real directors who will appreciate what they have in you, and protect you from embarrassing yourself (I‘m looking at you, Uwe). If you're going to make genre pictures, at least work with people who have a real love for it, and aren't just in it to make a quick buck. I'm sure the Guillermo del Toros and Christopher Nolans of the world would be honored to have you in their films. "The night is always darkest before the dawn," says Harvey Dent in Nolan's The Dark Knight. I have hope that your best days are right around the bend, and that you will continue finding work that motivates you to grow as an actor. Oh, and I also hope that you permanently deleted Boll's phone number.

Your long-time admirer,

Shane Jenkins

Continued:       1       2