February 2009 Forecast
By Kang and Kodos
February 6, 2009
Greetings, Earthicans! When last my sister Kodos and I spoke with you regarding our plans for interstellar domination, the election had not happened according to your Earth-time. Fearful of the outcome, we introduced our Palin fembot to your political campaign then went ahead and collapsed your global economy just to be safe. It's that important to us that John McCain be president. Wait, what? He lost? We don't get MSNBC here on Rigel due to some interface from the gravitational pull of our twin suns and Keith Olbermann's ego. So, we missed that somehow. Curses, without their statesman McCain leading the way, Arizona is never going to get to the Super Bowl now. Wait, what? We don't get ESPN, either. It costs a dollar extra and we lost all our money when we forget to sell our News Corp stock before crashing your economy.
Let us re-focus, humanites. What matters is that our most devious plan to date, the Trojan Canines at the Cinema campaign has proven to be our most successful. Thanks to spoiled Chihuahuas, mischievous Marley, an entire hotel for dogs, and Paul Blart (don't think for a second he's not really a dog), the four-legged beings whose poop you scoop have infiltrated every theater on your North American continent. With all of them in place, phase two of our plan may begin. This is our favorite phase since it sees your entire race enslaved and the new Tammany Hall that is the Illinois government cleaned up once and for all. All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morb...err, Kang & Kodos, but the one known as Rod Blagojevich particularly disgusts us. Now, let us discuss our future plans for your February cinema.
1) He's Just Not That Into You
He's not, presumably because you're fat and dislikable. There is nothing that can be done about your lousy personality, but you should join a gym, fatty. But Kodos and I still love you, Mom.
2) The Pink Panther 2
Inspector Clouseau returns, but his thunder has been stolen by our puppy, Kevin James, and his Segway riding. All of the Owens Corning pink fiberglass in the world cannot save that Panther now.
3) Friday the 13th
We like all of these movies where human DNA is splattered against the wall. This story feels a bit familiar, almost as if there have been other Friday the 13th tales that ended with DNA splattering. We have deemed this new version original enough to succeed at your box office anyway, mainly because we respect that Jason Voorhees guy and his constant attempts to exterminate your species.
4) The International
Clive Owen, there is no longer a need to fear the International Bank of Business and Credit. We took care of them when we collapsed the economy. Ergo, your movie is pointless. We recommend a better use of your time, getting Natalie Portman to give you additional lapdances in a Closer sequel.
5) Jonas Brothers: The 3-D Concert Experience
The Rigellian race has long since evolved past the need for pubescent girls to enhance their fertility cycles through the magic of boy bands. After we have finished off the apocalypse that ends your society, we will teach you how to be equally evolved. Admit it. The idea of no more boy bands is enough to make you want Kang & Kodos ruling your people instead of that rock star you call Obama.
6) Madea Goes to Jail
How evil are Kang & Kodos? We are the ones who buy tickets to Tyler Perry movies in order to secure future works from the talentless hack. We even got him a role in the most realistic film your people have ever made, Star Trek.
7) Confessions of a Shopaholic
The moral of this story: Women are shallow and must acquire shiny objects in order to enhance the quality of their nests yet men will put up with them anyway as long as the carpet matches the drapes.
We are conflicted about this film. We do not like the idea of Earthlings developing new skill sets that make them more dangerous and thereby more difficult to oppress. But we love that Matchbox 20 song. So, Push is a wash.
A Simpsons animator once tried to give us button eyes. His corpse was never found.
10) Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li
Chun Li was always our favorite character though Blanka and E. Honda were fun, too. Dhalsim was creepy. Hmm, upon reflection, we do not want Dhalsim on our list. Scratch off Street Fighter and put Fired Up here instead.