December 2008 Forecast
By Santa Claus
December 5, 2008
Ho ho ho! Hello, boys and girls! Have you been good boys and girls this year? I don't have to ask! I know the answer! I'm afraid that you, Scotty, are going to be disappointed on Christmas morning. But Max is looking to be a very happy boy indeed when he creeps down the stairs at 5 a.m.!
The good (and bad) boys and girls at Box Office Prophets have asked me to exercise my special list-making skills on the movies that are being released during this Yuletide season. I've conferred with my elves (and Mrs. Claus, of course) to wrap up this December Forecast with a bright, shiny bow!
Top of the Good List - Wiis and Xbox 360s for all!
Oh, ho ho. Jim Carrey was on top of the naughty list last year just by virtue of starring in The Number 23, one of the year's very worst movies. I didn't even bother landing on the rooftops of anyone involved in this project, which means that I turned my nose up at some pretty fancy milk and cookies! In the past, Jim has made my little round belly shake like a bowl full of jelly in movies like Bruce Almighty, The Mask and Liar Liar. Comedic Jim Carrey is much more well-behaved than Serious Jim Carrey. This should be the movie of the month, and one for families to celebrate together on Christmas Day!
Little Adam Sandler is almost always on my list of good little boys. He makes me feel like a right jolly old elf when I watch his movies - even this summer's Don't Mess With the Zohan! Now, Adam will hope to entertain entire families instead of just catering to 20-something dudes. Capturing the hearts of children is something I can relate to - and it just makes my job that much easier on Christmas Eve if everyone is already smiling! Ho ho ho!
Marley and Me
I laugh when I see Marley in spite of myself. That adorable Labrador Retriever will make this Owen Wilson/Jennifer Aniston movie the sleeper hit of the holiday season! Marley can count on having his stocking filled with Milkbones, elephant's ears and squeak toys because even though he's a verrrrrrrrrry exasperating boy, he makes his humans understand the importance of family. And what's more important than family during this glorious season of holiday cheer?
The Tale of Despereaux
Children's laughter will ring out through movie theaters when they watch this adorable looking movie about a heroic mouse! It makes my eyes twinkle to think of their joy as they watch the escapades. Anyone who spreads happiness to such a degree deserves all the best presents and stocking stuffers a mouse could ever desire! Fresh fromage! Peanut butter! Ho ho ho!
Nothing Like the Holidays
Christmas movies make my heart smile! My dimples become oh so merry when I think of fictional families coming together to celebrate the holidays! And this one is an extra special gift because it goes out to an under-served audience in the Hispanic community! Feliz navidad to all! I can't wait to taste my empanadas y leche at all the happy households that lie south of the border. Special presents coming your way!
On the Good List, but getting a crappy educational gift
The Day the Earth Stood Still
Science fiction has no place during Christmas! There's a reason that Santa Claus vs. the Martians is considered such an epic failure! But Keanu should not have to suffer for bad release date decisions made by the studio. He needs some love. I will leave him some wonderful cookbooks. Maybe he'll get the hint and make me some cookies! I'm so hungry.
Will Smith is on my good list. But Hancock took some of the jolly wind out of my sails. And Santa doesn't understand what Seven Pounds is all about. Why, that's barely a good turkey dinner! I'll leave him a math book and calculator under his tree to help him count his money, though. Ho ho ho!
Nazis do not make Santa think of Christmas! Nazis make Santa think of Indiana Jones! Indiana Jones makes me think of summer, and tropical vacations! Tropical vacations do make Santa happy. It's good to get away from the cold of the North Pole. Tom Cruise gets a history book under his tree, so he can learn that the Holocaust was horrific and that it should be taken seriously.
Top of the Naughty List - Lumps of Coal!
Punisher: War Zone
Coal goes out to the Punisher and Marvel Comics. It's not nice to shoot people. And it's naughty to advocate violence. Also, the Punisher's cookies were stale last year.
More lumps of coal for this movie, which offers more violence and bullets. It's so far down the list that it's barely worth discussing.
Adrien Brody gets all kinds of coal in his stocking this holiday season. Santa doesn't think these movies look bad. They just don't inspire. In fact, lumps of coal might be the most valuable earnings for these two movies.
Will Eisner's The Spirit
Frank Miller likes lumps of coal. Merry Christmas, Frank! And to all a good Dark Knight!
*Getting their shiny presents later - maybe February!
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button