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August 2008 Forecast

By Kang and Kodos

August 2, 2008

Your pain makes them happy.

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Your attention is required! My name is Kang, and this is my sister Kodos. We have taken time out from our busy schedule of rigging the United States presidential elections to talk with you for a few minutes about movies! You do not know it, but we are in control of the world because of our cunning plan to keep you content and in air conditioned movie theaters, watching mindless drivel! Implanted in this drivel are messages that will make you soft and simple when our planet, Rigel VII comes to take over your pathetic world! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

August is a stupid month for movies! And we will prove it! But this is good, because you pathetic humans will only lose I.Q. points as you let your minds rot! And then, in September, the Fall TV season begins!

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

We had big plans for this movie! Unfortunately, you humans seem to be starting to wise up to our ways! It is not acceptable to just transfer messages to your brains through any old crappy movie delivery system! When did you get so discerning!? You are still the people who make shows like So You Think You Can Dance and American Idol hits! Humans, these are mummies! You love mummies! And zombies! And vampires! But there are no zombies or vampires here. Don't let us mislead you on that front! If you will go and see the mummies we promise to show you real zombies on your world! Just don't try to pet them!

Tropic Thunder
We are bringing the Thunder down on you! This movie is about actors who think they are in a movie but are really in a war zone! They are just like you! You are going to your boring job every day and typing on your computer and wasting time but all around you the world is falling apart and will be an annex of Rygel VII before the year's end! Did you see the Montauk Monster? There is a reason he has shown up now! Don't believe Jeff Corwin! He is a fraud!

Pineapple Express
Stoners are the easiest people to assimilate into our plan! You simply place a behavior-controlling substance into their weed of choice and they become primed and prepared for manipulation! There is a reason that paranoia sets in! Seth Rogen is one of our finest double agents and he doesn't even know it! We worry about James Franco and his plan for graduate school, though!

Star Wars: The Clone Wars

What is wrong with you people?! What is it that makes you behave like such giant nerds when you see the words Star Wars? The Rygel VII saga is much more fascinating and there is no Jar Jar! Midi-Chlorians are not real! The force is stupid! Teeth and tentacles are the way to prevail! The portrayal of Jabba the Hut was based on stereotypes! Princess Leia in a bikini was far too ugly for him!

Death Race
This movie will become your reality soon enough! When we enslave you all, you will have the opportunity to earn your freedom by racing Mad Max cars but we will always have a robotic Jason Statham to defeat you! Hey, it's better than being defeated by Robotic Richard Simmons!




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Disaster Movie
Candy from a baby, people! It is so easy to brainwash the humans who attend spoof movies! Leslie Nielsen is our agent! Britney Spears lookalikes will turn you into zombies with a simple, medusa-like glance! We don't really want the people who go to these movies to turn to our side, though! Take them back! TAKE THEM BACK!

Babylon A.D.
We love the Babylon 5 space station! Bruce Boxleitner is easy on the eyes! Jeff Conaway was in Grease! Stephen Furst will wear our pledge pin on his uniform! Billy Mumy makes us want to say danger, Will Robinson! It is futuristic! It is...wait, what?

We have just learned that Babylon A.D. is a movie starring Vin Diesel. You will go see it and it will make you sad! Your sadness makes us happy!

Mirrors
Mirrors are one of the most evil creations of your human society! This movie has it exactly right! Bloody Mary! Do not ever look at your mirror in the dark! Kiefer Sutherland promised that he would harm no trees during the filming of this movie!

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2

This concept of pants that travel is a good one! If we can begin to use your clothing as our allies in the coming war, you will be shamed! Shamed! Can you imagine being destroyed by socks? This is what will happen to you in the future! Your socks and bras will take over the world, and will assume their rightful place beside us on the throne of Rygel VII Annex!

Fly Me to the Moon

Flies cannot fly to the moon! Humans cannot even fly to the moon! The lunar landing was a prank! Only Wallace & Gromit know how to go to the moon! If you see this cartoon, you will still have no idea how to go to the moon!


     


 
 

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