July 2008 Forecast
By Kang and Kodos
July 2, 2008
ATTENTION! People of Earth, pay us heed! Now is the time when we demand that you smile while you listen to us tell you how we feel about your Hollywood movie products this month! Listen or there will be consequences!
It is now the month of July, or as we call it on Rigel VII, Ixnickitipapas. It is hot and it is humid and it is steamy! We find that our tentacles begin to droop and this displeases us. It is good news for the Rigellian-controlled movie theaters, though! You lazy creatures will seek them out for the air conditioning! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Give us your money!
Let us now discuss this month's movies. We see a disturbing trend in the offing. If your puny brains can handle it, perhaps you will be able to determine what it is!
The Dark Knight
We like the Joker's style! He mentions that he would like to kill the Batman, which we wholeheartedly support! We are extremely uneasy around do-gooders and people who have almost as much money as we do. We tried to convince J'onn J'onzz to come to Earth and do terrible things to all of your so-called superheroes, but he wound up joining up with the wrong team! Where is our kryptonite? Let us go find some yellow so that we can defeat Green Lantern! Go Joker! It is time for you to give the Earth an enema!
AAAAAAHHHH! NOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOO! Most of you are unaware that Men in Black is a depiction of true facts! On our planet, Rigel VII, Will Smith is considered our mortal enemy! We know him as Agent J! Will Smith is only his false persona that you read about on tabloid covers! He's a Scientologist for a reason! He knows that Xenu aims to rule all the universe! Humans, we cannot let this stand! Do not give Agent J your money! Reject him! Reject him now! Celebrate your July 4th with fireworks and Boston Pops concerts, but do not attend the theater to hear his secret, insidious messages! OBEY US!
Hellboy 2: The Golden Army
Humans! There are no super heroes! There is no one to save you! We are going to destroy your world and you should not expect any assistance! Hurry up on the delivery of that yellow!
I, Kang, and my sister Kodos are big fans of Will Ferrell! He has some sort of inflection that we really relate to for some reason! You will go and see his movie and you will laugh! We command it! LAUGH!
We also think John Stamos is handsome. Call us, John!
Journey to the Center of the Earth
We laugh at your naiveté, humans! No one can go to the center of the Earth! Well, we can go to the center of the Earth, but we have a Rigellian burrowing apparatus! You cannot go to the center of the Earth! Brendan Fraser really cannot go to the center of the Earth. Of all of the humans on Earth, he would be the least likely! Remember Encino Man! You are invited but your friend cannot come!
The X-Files: I Want to Believe
Mulder! Scully! We meet again! Where have you been for seven years?! We have been trying to make contact! We know that Mulder believes in us! We bring you peace! We bring you love! We want to believe! Come back, Mulder and Scully! Where are you going?!
Stupid humans! Stop laughing at this movie! It is not funny! It is not realistic! No aliens would ever choose to inhabit a body such as Eddie Murphy's! Maybe in the early '80s, but certainly not now! We will not allow this prejudice to stand! By the way, we completely deny being baby daddy to the spawn of Scary Spice!
Kang and Kodos love the soothing sounds of ABBA! They are our favorite band today! Take a chance on us, because the winner takes it all! We think musical theater based on the music of a Swedish band is just what Earth needs! You will see this movie and you will love it. LOVE IT! There are no aliens or robots in this movie, but you will be soothed! SOOTHED! Pay no attention to the invasion happening around you!
Kit Kittredge: An American Girl
We are so pleased that our plans to create a Dakota Fanningbot V2 have succeeded! You will not suspect because she is an American Girl! Abigail Breslinbot will help us to own your planet! She will infiltrate your hearts by making you believe that when economic times are tough, all you need is a spunky kid to make it all better! Never mind if you are paying $5 for a gallon of milk! Spunky! Do not worry if your medical bills are more than you can afford! Spunky! Meanwhile, we own all of your banks and your oil! Spunky!
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HA! You Earth types do not understand that chimps who go to space are immediately recruited to join our team. Even now, you have millions of chimpanzees living on your planet who are secret members of our mighty army! You believe they are like you! This is incorrect! They are much more skilled! Have you not seen Kim Possible? Monkey Fist will rule you all! The only apes that have more talent are the orangutans! Clint Eastwood's friend Clyde was a lieutenant colonel for us! Watch this movie and be misled!