December 2007 Forecast
By Kang and Kodos
December 8, 2007
Greetings, future slaves. We are here to remind you of one thing and one thing only. If you do not buy our film debut, The Simpsons Movie, upon its release on home video on December 18th, you need not concern yourself with Blu Ray. Instead, your primary concern should be this Death Ray. All of the boards with nails in them in Earth Capital will not save you from its molecular destabilization.
While we are here *buy our DVD* we might as well discuss the movie releases for *buy our DVD* December. Then, we will return to Rigel VII to celebrate Space Kwanzaa.
1) I Am Legend
Only one puny human remains from your entire species? We dub this the feel good hit of the year.
2) National Treasure: Book of Secrets
The human known as Cage is getting too close to revealing our secrets. If we do not stop him from entering Fort Knox, he could find out the 17 ingredients comprising the Colonel's secret recipe. If that were to happen, our planned occupation would be doomed. DOOMED! Kill the Nicolas Cage and defile his corpse just to be safe. It's in everyone's best interest.
3) Charlie Wilson's War
We, Kodos and Kang, are all for war in any and all forms. We are aggravated by this movie, though. War should not be so talky, Aaron Sorkin. War should be violent, ending only when one part has ripped out the innards of the other and feasted on them in celebration of the victory. Why no reality television producer has come to us asking for show ideas is something of a mystery.
4) The Golden Compass
In planning our invasion, we have uncovered recent intel indicating you are defending your Arctic Circles uses new combatants. These white beasts are armor clad, giant-sized humans who appear feral and ill-tempered. They make us wet the bed. The invasion is experiencing far too many setbacks this month. Must perform new reconnaissance.
5) Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story
An Earth child splits another Earth child in half then goes on to caterwaul to screaming, hormonal teenagers, finally marrying several of them. Jerry Springer has done much to injure your species.
6) The Great Debaters
Yes, humans. Learn to settle all of your issues through logic, reason, and calm discourse. Lay down your weapons and let your muscles atrophy as you duel for mental supremacy. Disarm your metal bears and heed not the teachings of your Nicolas Cage. Finally, fate favors the impending attack of Kang and Kodos.
7) Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Rigel VII has outlawed the musical as well as the musician. Look no further than this as proof of our advanced intellect. The positive change we could bring to your society is immense. Imagine a world without those little punks from High School Musical or that Hannah Montana brat. Ours is a utopia compared to Earth.
8) Alvin and the Chipmunks
Kang and Kodos hate those who speak in odd, obviously fake voices. Creatures such as this are to be shunned. Though they do make nice desserts.
9) Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem
In our interactions with both species, it has been our experience that the Aliens are much less enjoyable houseguests, what with the burrowing and the popping out of the stomach and the mouths within mouths. Predators are butt ugly and smell worse than Earth New Jersey, but they know enough about intergalactic etiquette to never try to hatch their young inside you.
10) The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep
We are unfamiliar with this beast you have dubbed the Likeness Monster. Whose likeness does it bear? We will now do an interplanetary Google search to see what this creature is...
SPRINKLES!!! I can't believe it's you. Daddy looked everywhere for you, but once you jumped out of the ship, you were gone. How did you wind up on Earth? Oh, my sweet boo. It matters not. Let us celebrate our reunion by devouring three Mars children, then playing a game of Levitating Hopscotch. My precious Sprinkles. Dada loves you so, so much. This is so wonderful. My gigantic eye is tearing up.