August 2007 Forecast
By Kang & Kodos
August 3, 2007
People of Earth, we stand before you as promised back in May. All hail your conquering heroes. The film in which we star, The Simpsons Movie, is currently dominating your theaters. Even better from our perspective is that our Hypno-Vision camera technology will have you, the viewers, clucking like chickens for the next several months whenever you hear the word "Maggie". It seemed an amusing tribute to our daughter/niece.
Some of you may wonder why we, the real stars of The Simpsons Movie, were not in it more. The answer is a simple one. We used the same agent who talked the Earth Diva Lohan into drinking, drug abusing, and starring in I Know Who Killed Me. Said agent does in fact know who killed him. It was us with the Kill Ray in the Space Library. We promise that we will not hold out for a trailer full of green M&Ms when negotiating for the sequel. We will simply invade M&M Land and take what we need. Our mistake was in utilizing diplomatic measures rather than enslaving all the makers of chocolate candies in your world. Live countless millennia and learn.
1) Bourne Ultimatum
In 2002, your species had not evolved enough to satisfy us. The earthling you call Ben Affleck was more popular than his vastly superior sidekick, Matt Damon. In order to correct one of the flaws of your species, we embarked upon a covert mission to destroy the life of Affleck while making Damon a star. Operation J-Lo was a complete success. Now, the man you know as Jason Bourne is ready to dominate your earthly box office to a degree not seen since...us last week. If he does better than us, we still plan to devour his entire family using the slimiest of our digestive tracts.
2) Rush Hour 3
Lyrical tales of Jackie Chan's exploits have been sung throughout the galaxy. We have also listened to the radio show of Ruby Rhod, whom you know as Chris something or another. We did not find his show super-green. Because of the presence of Chan, we will allow this movie to be a huge hit. Because of the presence of Ruby Rhod, we will prevent it from doing as well as The Bourne Ultimatum.
Just like the Godfather of your music world, Kang and Kodos have soul yet we remain confused by this title. It does not look as described. You humans disgust us with your constant usage of words you do not mean. We want to destroy your strip malls, devour your canola oils, and make sex slaves of your pets. We mean that. You people make funny movies and name them Superbad. It will be a glorious day in the cosmos when our doomsday device makes Mars the third closest planet to your sun with native daughter Veronica as its golden bikini-clad leader.
The only real horror on your planet is the singing of Kelly Clarkson. This is our final statement on the matter, much as we enjoy the violent tendencies of Rob Zombie.
6) Balls of Fury!
The previous four words will be the last four thoughts you have before free will is abolished. After this, all you will hear are the lascivious entendres we say to your pets while we teach them the ways of multi-tentacled pleasure.
And we appreciate this pet's willingness to wear naughty costumes for our pleasure.
10) The Nanny Diaries
We, Kang & Kodos, have long argued that the cyclical nature of the industry forces several requisites upon its would-be stars. Chief among them is a willingness to portray stereotypical leads in rigid genre pieces in order to prove an ability to operate as an instrument within the system rather than a conscientious objector to the patrician heirarchy. While the causality of such soulless role playing becomes a philosphical exercise in chicken vs. egg debates of paradox and free will, there is but one truth here. Cosmological analysis is only applicable to real stars, not the Hollywood actors we colloquially reference as such. It is not our place to determine if such instances of counter-culture becoming culture are a never-ending cycle of professional ennui or simply a driving need for currency.
Instead, it is our responsibility to state that if Scarlett Johansson is willing to do things for money, we heartily endorse her decision. That's right, big-breasted human female. Come to Kang & Kodos. We have enough Earth Dollars to make it space rain all night. Who needs pets?