Selling Out
By Tom Macy
October 21, 2009
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
I know Joel Schumacher already made this in 1993 with Falling Down, starring Michael Douglas. But a more faithful adaptation of AatTHNGVBD (gesundheit) could have some real potential. Well, faithful as in make the lead character a kid and have the book be the first 30 minutes of the movie. As things get progressively worse Alexander descends into such madness that when it reaches a fever pitch he is driven to violence. A horror movie where the kid is the killer? Haven't seen that before! Throw in that built-in audience and you've got yourself green lights all the way down 5th Avenue. Of course, the studio could go another route and just call it a prequel to Halloween. Both are viable. Either way, Rob Zombie will direct.
Harold and the Purple Crayon
Two words. Michel Gondry. This one I would be actually excited to see. Just like Spike Jonze with Wild Th-, um, his most recent film, Gondry's imaginative visual aesthetic would bring a new dimension to the material that would expand on the essence of the book, not add to it. It's hard to speculate what direction he'd go and I'd really rather not. All I know is, I don't want any extra plot or extraneous characters. Just 84 minutes of trippy purple cardboard cuts outs and I'll be happy. Do your thing Michel. You know what? I would not be surprised if this happened.
Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel
After many years of working successfully together, the title characters struggle against the rising competition from modern, diesel-powered shovels. Who best to handle the anthropomorphizing of a steam shovel? This is an easy one. Michael Bay all the way. But unlike his other films featuring talking metal contraptions, on top of it he's going to go the Pearl Harbor route and try to make it a love story between a Man and his Steam Shovel Mary-Anne. Actually, that's not very far off from the book. Mike Mulligan would obviously be played by Mark Wahlberg because he's just so darned blue collar I can't stand it! The Mary Anne will be CGIed to the max. The only change made will be in the end when the diesel-shovels become too powerful for humanity to control them. This is where Mike makes a few "improvements" on Mary-Anne - namely rocket boosters and lazer cannons. The end will remain mostly the same. Because they'll be going for the blockbuster in December slot, the two sacrifice themselves for glory, resulting in Mary-Anne being converted to a furnace while Mike grows old at her side. After all, nothing sways the Academy more than a blockbuster with heart.
Goodnight Moon
Okay, we all know that Christopher Walken is the voice of the rabbit. That's a given. Anyone who wouldn't pay money to see Goodnight Moon starring Christopher Walken as a talking Rabbit is not welcome at this year's Lord of the Rings Trilogy Tuesday - I mean car-fixing, meat-eating, punching-each-other-in-the-face party. There's just the problem that once you've got everyone's money you still have to show them something when they get to their seats. Hmmm. Okay, I got it. Here's the tagline: Every night he said good night to the moon. And then one night it answered back. Directed my M. Night Shyamalan. In the end, it turns out the rabbit is actually in a science lab and hallucinating from all experiments they're doing on him and that the moon - voiced by Bruce Willis - was actually just a giant spotlight the whole time. Whoa man! I never saw that coming! With the added animal rights issues on its side, this one's a can't miss.
Jesus, I hope I'm wrong.
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