2009 Calvin Awards: Worst Picture
February 11, 2009
Will Ferrell promised that Semi-Pro, our third place finisher, would be his last sports-themed movie ever. If the rest were going to be like it, we'd hold him to it by threat of grievous bodily harm. Ferrell tried to make this his Slap Shot, but forgot that the Hanson Brothers were the side show in that movie, and not the leads. When Ferrell is on, he can make one of the funniest films in years, but when he's off, it's more akin to torture. This one was like someone dribbling a basketball on our heads for 90 minutes asking if we were laughing yet. No, Will, we are not laughing.
When it comes to our fourth place finisher, we really should have seen it coming. Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was a long overdue revival of the classic adventure series, with the promise of a return of the cool Harrison Ford. But even with Spielberg behind the camera, George Lucas, he of the anti-Midas touch in the last two decades, was still a producer of the film. It's hard to say exactly what his input was or wasn't, but we can dream about what film might have arisen from if he'd been locked in a storage room for safekeeping for six months. It'd take too long to list all the awful scenes and lazy plotting of this film, but let's go with just two – nuclear bomb shelter fridge, and Shia LaBeouf The Ape Man. ‘Nuff said?
It's almost too easy to pick on the recent spate of parody movies, since they barely even count as films. But since they come out seemingly every four months, it's safe to say they started it. Meet the Spartans was judged the worst of these this year, placing fifth overall. It mostly picks on 300 for "inspiration"; it also rummages through recent horror films, James Bond and random pop culture moments of the last year in a craven attempt to not have to think up any new ideas. This is a film that Homer Simpson wouldn't laugh at, even with a crayon in his brain.
Tied with Spartans was Wanted, which ranks as perhaps one of our more bitter disappointments of the year. The comic adaptation promised innovative and reality-bending action scenes akin to The Matrix, and while the special effects were there, the underlying ideas didn't pass muster. While the thought of bending a bullet around a target mind sound like a great idea initially, in practice it's - not to put too fine a point on it - really, really stupid. It certainly didn't help in the least that we were given a cast of thoroughly unlikeable, misogynistic characters who take orders from a magic loom (you heard me), and it made us wonder what we were thinking in the first place.
Also falling into the category of "good concept, awful execution" was Jumper, which managed to ruin teleportation as a superpower. Feeling quite like half a movie, it played like X-Men for ADD sufferers, never bothering to create little things like a coherent story or characters with motivations.
Eighth spot goes to Mamma Mia!: The Movie, the adaptation of the musical based on the music of ABBA. Need I say more? Okay, in theory, this could be done well, but one would presume that in a musical, casting based on an actor's ability to sing would play some role.
Ninth place went to the wholly unnecessary The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. They might as well start making animated sequels to these films for all the live action footage that goes into these anymore.
Finally, what would a Worst Picture list be at BOP without a Uwe Boll film? The German Ed Wood gets off easy this year, with his social "satire" Postal placing tenth overall. The jig is finally up with Boll, and he's finding it harder to get his films seen, but he's still out there, ruining the good name of video game adaptations. Oh, how we wish we could quit you, Uwe. (Reagen Sulewski/BOP)
Best Actor
Best Actress
Best Album
Best Cast
Best Director
Best DVD
Best Overlooked Film
Best Picture
Best Scene
Best Screenplay
Best Supporting Actor
Best Supporting Actress
Best TV Show
Best Use of Music
Best Videogame
Breakthrough Performance
Worst Performance
Top 10
|
Position |
Film |
Total Points |
1 |
The Happening |
77
|
2 |
10,000 B.C. |
36
|
3 |
Semi-Pro |
33
|
4 |
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull |
30
|
5(tie) |
Meet the Spartans |
28
|
5(tie) |
Wanted |
28
|
7 |
Jumper |
23
|
8 |
Mamma Mia! |
22
|
9 |
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor |
19
|
10 |
Postal |
18
|
Continued:
1
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