Episode Three: United We Stand, Divided We…?

By Kim Hollis and David Mumpower

We’d just like to start the evening with a twist(!) by saying that Dave from Paradise Hotel is the biggest sucker in the history of reality TV. We haven’t seen a grifter like Charla since Anjelica Huston went into retirement.

We now return you to your regular weekly installment of Survivor.

The mood around the Morgan camp is incredibly glum. We’d like to point out to them that the Tigers did manage to win five out of six to avoid becoming the losingest team of all time, but we don’t want to give Morgan false hope. Lillian is praying to the great Scout Master in the Sky to give her the strength to carry on now that she realizes she’s a woman without a country. Nerd Ryan’s elimination has reduced the members of her alliance to, well, one. Based on her team’s performances in the immunity challenges so far, Lillian’s "Off the Island Clock" sits at t-minus 72 hours unless there is a dramatic change.

Lillian points out her value to the tribe as measured with that of the currently napping Darrah, failing to understand that her perceived opponent is hot. Lillian, on the other hand, is not. She pleads her case with Barrister Andrew, which leads to a debate of semantics involving the Webster’s Dictionary definition of “quit.” Bill Clinton would be proud.

Andrew defends Osten on camera by discussing his muscular cohort’s strength in anchoring the tribe. Yes, Osten anchors this tribe in exactly the same way an iceberg anchored the Titanic.

We cut east to Eden as Team Drake enjoys a scrumptious meal and treasure hunting is all the rage. The Vikings set sail for a new adventure, imbued with the courage given by one-third of a treasure map. Seventy holes later, the tribe experiences something for the very first time – the taste of defeat. Apparently, the other two-thirds of that map are a lot more important than they’re willing to admit.

Tree mail offers Morgan the promise of another painful failure. The group spends several minutes fantasizing about what they would pillage if only they could win. Meanwhile at Team Elysian Fields, the only debate is about who is the better swimmer between Sandra and Jon. These two clearly dislike each other, though it has only been displayed in undertones and subtext so far.

Wait a minute. Did we say subtext? We meant TEXT.

Weighing in at 5’0” and 100 pounds, we have Sandra. At 5’1” and 102 pounds, it’s Jon! Both are soaking wet. It’s at this point that Jon makes the bold wager that he has a million dollars saying Sandra won’t be the final Survivor. Hey, Jon? Quick, name the last nerd to win this game.

The reward challenge is a real-life representation of You Sank My Battleship! The prize is four luscious pillows and blankets in addition to the promise of looting the other tribe and a piece of the treasure map.

So, remember what we said about Osten, the iceberg, and the Titanic? This human albatross misses the concept entirely and stands up in the boat, sinking them. Drake wins again, securing four pillows, four blankets, and a chance to loot the Morgan camp. At this point, the only thing that Morgan has of any value is Osten’s boxer shorts. We could make a joke here, but there’s just no point. Morgan is really, really bad at this. We’ve seen Shakespearian tragedies with happier endings.

There’s more moping back at Team “Oh My God Stop With the Hurting!” as Andrew gives his “Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?” speech. He notes that the tribe feels demoralized and uncompetitive in the challenges. After this statement of the obvious, we wonder what exactly it takes to pass the Illinois bar.

From the comically delusional department, we have Lillian. She blithely states that she thinks they’re doing just dandy in the challenges. She feels that their 0-5 performance so far is not an accurate reflection of her team’s abilities. Scout’s honor!

The next morning finds our industrious troop leader off fishing, which she’s never done before. This gives the remaining members of the tribe ample opportunity to stay behind and talk about what a whack job she is. The best part is when they bitch about the fact that they need everyone to stay together as they lay in bed while she sets about getting food for them to eat.

Lillian returns to the camp a bit downtrodden. It seems that their last remaining fishing hook is gone because, well, the fish stole it. We don’t know much about scoring in competitive fishing, but we assume that the fish aren’t supposed to win in a blowout – and steal the equipment to boot. As Andrew summarizes in an awed voice, “The scout master has failed to use a fisherman’s knot to secure their only hook.” You get the feeling from his tone that he believes Lillian is a waste of opposable thumbs.

You, the reader, have a better chance of surviving Morgan’s next Tribal Council than Lillian does at this point. We’ll just start referring to her as Fishbait.

Back at Drake, they’re celebrating doubling the size of the treasure map. While they debate strategy, Christa is selected to loot the opposing tribe. The plan is to take their rivals’ only remaining water pot, thereby eliminating any chance of Morgan drinking uncontaminated water.

It’s time for looting and hugs as Christa takes one of their two pots. The Morgan team pumps her for information, but she’s smart enough not to give any secrets away. After Christa leaves, the Morgan bunch makes fun of her, and says that by losing they’re really winning. We're rendered speechless.

Tree mail comes complete with flag. At this point, until Mark Burnett decides to do a subjective challenge where they can award the win to the Morgan tribe, there is just no chance for this group of lovable losers.

The challenge involves holding up the smallest teammate on a pulley. Each team loses one member every five minutes, and it comes down to Rupert and Michelle against Osten and Darrah. It would be easy to joke about the fact that Morgan loses its sixth straight challenge, but the honest evaluation is that both teams fought a very gritty match and were remarkable in their determination. It’s such a hard battle that Drake honestly acknowledges the other team with a round of applause in the end.

And really, we haven’t said this enough yet, but Rupert is an absolute monster.

Morgan day nine sees the Lillian Doomsday Clock count down to the hour hand, which means it’s time for ten minutes of “we swear it’s anyone but Lil.” We’re not fooled tonight any more than we were during the other shows. Lillian votes for the person she sees as least valuable to the tribe, Darrah, while the rest of the tribe has Darrah’s strong performance in the immunity challenge etched in their memories. The vote is five to one as Team Morgan finally takes notice of the crazy woman in the scout uniform and votes her off the island.