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Survivor: All-Stars

Episode Six: Outraged

By David Mumpower and Kim Hollis

Remind us which one is the snake and which one is the rat again.

Now that the three tribes are two, the Etch-A-Sketch is shaken up pretty good and people are trying to redraw their battle lines.

After some clever editing to make it appear that Colby could have been voted off last week, Richard was instead the first to go from the All New Mogo Mogo tribe. Even so, that swerve may not be as far off as it appeared during that show’s final segment. As it turns out, Kathy ended up making the decision for herself, Shii Ann and Jerri, which revealed to the other girls that she is the true power player of the group. The Lady MacBeth-in-training is looking for reasons to be pissed off at some of her male counterparts.

It appears that Colby has rubbed Kathy the wrong way because he had the audacity to send Lex to negotiate with her instead of going himself. She makes it clear that she and Colby have never negotiated, so we’re unclear exactly why maintaining status quo suddenly makes him a jackass.

Over at Chapera, Big Tom has developed quite the boy crush on Rupert. The amiably-natured fat man alliance is the product of what we may only describe as love at first sight. We’re glad to see the happy couple getting along well, but we really, really wish both men would consider wearing shirts.

Along with his happy love connection with Tom, Rupert is also enthusiastic about his tribe’s future prospects. After the assimilation of Saboga into Chapera and their subsequent immunity challenge victory, the Rob Squad has Mogo Mogo at a 7-6 disadvantage. Another elimination of an opposing tribe member on Day 18 would put Rupert and Co. in a commanding position heading into the merge. Not much has gone right for the Big Guy so far, but the prospect of the money earned for being one of the final seven contestants has his beard standing up straight.

The other big happening at Chapera is that Boston Rob has gone power mad. We are suddenly reminded of exactly what wound up making us glad to see him go during the Survivor: Marquesas season. After exactly one vote, Masshole is convinced that he is the puppet master in complete control of who will be voted off when. There are 13 people remaining in the contest, and he counts for one vote at the moment (two if he’s good in bed), so we consider his egomaniacal glee a bit premature. We can’t argue with the fact that the Chapera gang certainly seems to look at him the same way that the Real World people look at The Miz, though.

The funniest part of the opening segment by far involves Shii Ann and Colby. The lady who famously got herself booted from Survivor: Thailand for an odd combination of over-thinking and acting monumentally stupid apparently hasn’t changed any in the following years. After an incidental comment made by Colby, a man who one of us is glad doesn’t wear his shirt a lot, Shii Ann is convinced that he has completely unraveled her strategy. Her insecure projections lead to a hilarious sequence where she tries to pump Beefcake for information. His replies are all in the vein of “Play that way if you want but I think it’s a strategy for pussies.” This drives Shii Ann (more) insane. It’s obvious that Shii Ann considers Colby surviving and Richard Hatch being eliminated the worst possible outcome as she has lost her Machiavellian gay boy crush *and* wound up stuck with the jock who won’t give her the time of day. Kathy is going to have to be a really, really good player to keep Shii Ann from getting herself assassinated sooner rather than later.

The least funny part of the opening segment by far is that Sue is still feeling the lingering effects (no, we don’t mean this literally) of an encounter with Richard’s penis. After a sleepless night, she has completely shut down emotionally. We’re not going to joke about it because there’s nothing funny here.

The second segment begins on another down note. The entire Chapera tribe has been brought down by Sue’s depression. Many of the people are surprisingly sympathetic, especially considering that Sue’s never going to win any congeniality contests. The rest of it is still not funny so we’re not going there. We didn’t do The Passion of the Christ alt tags and we don’t think it’s appropriate to joke about sexual harassment. We do still like South Park’s Sexual Harassment Panda, though.

Over at Mogo Mogo, we’re to the day where Jerri starts verbalizing her food cravings. Meanwhile, Shii Ann again laments the loss of her imaginary boyfriend. In her mind, Caveman Richard was hunting and gathering only for her. This is the creepiest crush since Scarlett Johannson started dating Benicio Del Toro.

Posted without comment: “Oh, Richard Hatch, where is the fish?”

Meanwhile, little boy Lex wants to take his new (and old) bestest buddy Ethan out fishing. He returns with a huge haul, which makes Shii Ann very, very sad, because she doesn’t think Tattoo Boy is fit to touch Richard’s spear. We think she’d be disappointed to learn Tricky Dick’s take on the subject. And that he’s gay. Does she still have George Michael posters on her wall?

Amber and Rob nervously approach Rupert and Jenna and ask them if they liked the movie Eyes Wide Shut. Or Bob and Ted and Carol and Alice. Amber nervously twirls her hair and asks, “Would you guys, like, want to form an alliance with us and stuff?” Amber assures the former Saboga duo that there’s no one else but them in the same way that Mick Jagger used to swear to Jerri Hall that she was the one and only. Jenna, who realizes she’s not going to get asked out any other way, breathlessly accepts the offer. Rob likes Rupert’s beard – it gives him something to HANG onto.

Then, the show starts to suck. It’s more Sad Sue until it’s time for the reward challenge, where the members of Chapera learn that Richard has been eliminated. Jeff accidentally sticks his head in the lion’s mouth by asking about the penis incident. Sue is all too happy to be the white tiger to his Sigfried and Roy, and explodes angrily that she feels sexually violated. At this point, the second shocker of the season occurs as Sue says she’s done with the game. The incredibly uncomfortable Jeff Probst calls in the boat and she leaves the island. For all the joking we do about Probst, we would be remiss to not state that he handles the situation with tremendous grace and aplomb.

The two tribes are then given the option to either compete in the reward challenge or share the spoils and talk things over. The Mogo Mogo tribe members, who are completely shocked at this turn of events, say that they’re there to compete. Poor Jenna says that she’d like to talk; unfortunately, she’s in the minority. Kathy all but sticks a dagger in her teeth and jumps across to attack that wussy peace maker. She’s here to fight, damn it!

Shii Ann, suck up that she is, has decided to fill the vacuum in her heart with the love of Kathy. She quickly follows with her support for performing the challenge. When Probst reveals that it’s a challenge that will require successful completion from all members, Shii Ann’s attitude visibly changes. No longer is monkey butler Colby able to pick up her slack while she sips drinks with umbrellas and complains about how lazy he is. If you haven’t guessed it yet, we’re not big fans of the reckless neck eater.

The challenge that Shii Ann can’t duck involves balancing a plank in seesaw fashion. From there, any elementary school could tell you what to do. A person will hop on the plank, thereby shooting a bag of coffee beans into the air. The goal is to get it into a basket and secure a $100 million shoe contract a la Lebron James.

Jenna apparently doesn’t get to the playground with her daughters that much, as she is the weak link for Chapera. The score is 1-1 when she starts, but it’s 4-1 before she finally manages to hit her target. Chapera suffers the double whammy of a lost contestant and a lost reward challenge in quick succession. Mogo Mogo takes home some shish kebabs and a basket of assorted food and spices. Jenna’s tribe really should have listened to her when she wanted to play nice.

The remainder of the show is really, really boring. One tribe eats kebobs, and the other group pouts. The only item worth noting is that Big Tom does a little happy dance to the tune of “Ding, Dong, the Witch Is Dead” as a couple of his tribemates look on in disgust. And so do we, because he could really use a B-cup. The moral of the story: in times of need, we can always count on Big Tom to be an idiot.

Personal request to Mark Burnett: you’ve now had both death and sexual harassment during the course of this All-Star season. We’re trying to be funny, but you’ve got to give us something to work with here.

     


 
 

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Saturday, November 25, 2017
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