By Calvin Trager

August 20, 2002

"Wait, you were involved with Anarchy '99...which was destroyed and overrun by NSA operatives. And you were also involved with The Shining Destiny Group...which was destroyed and overrun by NSA operatives. Um, I don't think we have a position for you at this time. We'll keep you on file though."

Also, I'm a little disappointed that his extreme-sports background didn't play a bigger role in the defeating of the bad guys. Oh sure, he had a big motorcycle scene and the outracing-an-avalanche sequence, but I was half-hoping for something a little more surreal, like Gymkata. If they'd had Vin come across a skateboarding half-pipe in the middle of Prague where a crucial 360 grind would save the day, I'd have been in heaven.

Ellen DeGeneres is writing a new book of comic essays to follow up her 1997 book, My Point...and I Do Have One. If you don't mind a little kibitzing, Ellen, here's a few chapter title suggestions: "How to Make Sure Your Lesbian Lover Doesn't Think She's Jesus", "Remember When I Was Funny?" and "Entertainment Weekly Likes Me, So You Can All Go to Hell!".

Is anyone else disturbed by those Aquafina ads featuring Michael J. Fox's voice and an animated version of him circa Back to the Future? I realize that he still looks 22 but I'm a little bit uneasy about having my youth sold back to me in such a shameless way. What's next, remakes of Patrick Dempsey movies? Whoops, too late. Speaking of which, the funniest thing about the press release announcing the remake of Can't Buy Me Love was that it compared this to the recent remake of Insomnia. Who are they trying to market to there? I know that when I think of moody Swedish thrillers, I think of wacky teen comedies.

I think the exact delineation of the latest generation gap is the people who get Dance Dance Revolution and those who don't. Put me squarely in the latter category. I don't know how they managed to do it, but they've turned going to an arcade into an aerobic exercise. I expect this to take over from Tae Bo in the next little while.

The Oscars are a still a long ways away, but I'll be shocked if anything other than Signs wins for Best Score this year. James Newton Howard is the next John Williams.

It's hard to believe that Fox and New Line would be so cruel as to release the DVDs for Lord of the Rings and The Simpsons: Season 2 on the same day. That's the geek's version of a Sophie's Choice right there. Another ridiculous choice is coming in November, when Spider-Man, Lord of the Rings: SE and Star Wars Episode II all come out within a week of each other. You know how demographers track the mini-baby booms that occur after blackouts and natural disasters? I wonder if they'll be puzzling over a strange dip in birth rates nine-to-12 months from now.

We should all be very thankful for The Core. You're going to be telling your grandchildren you were alive when the stupidest movie premise ever was used.

Sheryl Crow is going to be performing a concert for the sad souls who are participating in the Big Brother 3 reality show. It's a terrific idea, but I think the producers are missing a great angle. I think a Noriega-style torture test of Michael Bolton, Barry Manilow and Neil Diamond would really separate the wheat from the chaff. "Unless someone leaves the house in ten minutes, we start in with 'Mandy'!" Make 'em earn it.

One of the more compelling stories in this summer's box office is the competition between The Bourne Identity and The Sum of All Fears. With Fears sitting at $118 million and Bourne at $115 million, you just know that Matt and Ben have some private bet between them about who makes for the better CIA spook. I'd be disappointed if it didn't involve an exchange of secret photos of Jennifer Lopez and Minnie Driver.

It's getting tougher and tougher to make fun of the Emmy awards as they finally wake up to fact that new shows are being produced (The Dick van Dyke show just stopped getting write-in votes five years ago). Still, some of their choices do scream out for revision. I think Emmy ballots come with Kelsey Grammer and David Hyde Pierce pre-filled in. Do you realize that Grammer has been playing the same character for 18 years now? Even Sideshow Bob got time off for good behavior. By the way, if Matt LeBlanc doesn't win this year, it's flamethrower time. This year on Friends truly was the Season of Joey. I'm mad enough about the shameful, shameful omission of John C. McGinley for Scrubs. Do you even bother showing up to the Emmy ceremony if your nomination is in the same category as America: A Tribute to Heroes? I didn't think so.

Finally, plans have been made to build an animation museum in Winnipeg, Manitoba. This might seem like an odd choice at first and a little out of the way, but when you think about it a little longer, it makes a lot of sense. What better place to put a museum for animation than the flattest place on Earth? See ya next time.