Shaking Our Fists at the Sun

By Reagen Sulewski

November 24, 2003

A few things to ponder as we enter the last couple of months of 2003:

Ossie woulda made a good Elvis. So the sun is apparently unleashing gigantic electromagnetic storms on a daily basis now and no one seems to be able to figure out why. Allow me to solve the mystery. I'm not really a religious man by nature, but it's clear to me that this is the work of the Egyptian Sun God Ra, angry that we haven't done more to support Bubba Ho-tep. Hey, it's kind of plausible.

I know we've accepted stranger things from Michael Crichton (superintelligentgorillas*cough*cough*) but Timeline just strikes me as a bad idea in general and what's more, it looks like the filmmakers did all their research at Medieval Times Restaurant. I know that Crichton's usually pretty good on the science but I'm waiting to see if there's any explanation for how these travelers back to the 14th century I'
  1. don't die from cholera, the plague or smallpox
  2. are able to communicate with anyone considering no existing language is even close to what they might have spoken 700 years ago (hope they brushed up on their Latin)
  3. prevent the woman in their group from ending up as an indentured servant or burned at the stake.
And that's just off the top of my head. Though really, I'm excited for the scene where Paul Walker builds a ten-second car complete with NOS to defeat the French.

Speaking of Michael Crichton and time travel, greetings to all visitors from 1993. So, let me just set something straight for you guys. We had movies made this year from books written by both Crichton and John Grisham. And we, uh, don't really care about them anymore. Evil Lawyers and Highly Implausible Sci-Fi don't quite have the same zing to them as they used to. I blame Jerry Bruckheimer.

Some aloe will clear that right up. So, what are the odds on whether we see a Matrix 4 without Keanu before a Terminator 4 without Arnold? Nobody's willing to let a franchise just die anymore; I think I saw Fox eyeing up a Weekend at Bernie's 3 (hey, Jonathan Silverman could use the work). Terminator 3 doesn't get quite enough credit, in my opinion, for doing a nice job wrapping up the series' many paradoxes. I can see why James Cameron wouldn't like it (since it basically says he's full of crap, but that's not such an inaccurate sentiment) but besides that, it's a really decent action film. Sequel bashing is in vogue now, I suppose.

I'm of two minds about the rampant franchisization of TV lately. I'm definitely not in favor of every night of the week having its very own Law and Order, but CBS is pretty much "A Bunch of Cop Shows and Survivor" now anyway ,so it's not like there'd be a huge different if they all became CSIs.

Arnold, I'm begging you, cut it with the "-inator" jokes. You're (supposed) to be the leader of one of the largest States in the Union now so stop acting like every press conference is an interview with Mary Hart. The "Governator" was fun a couple of times but "The Collectinator"? There are no words for how awful that is. That's not even remotely clever. However, does the line of succession of governors from Predator run through Carl Weathers or Shane Black? Do we have to include Predator 2, meaning Danny Glover and Gary Busey (oh please, please make this happen) get in on it eventually? We need a ruling on this.

Voted most likely to be known as 'Joey Pants' You know what the Matrix sequels could have used? Joey Pants. I don't even have a joke here. I actually liked both sequels but in the end it seems like a huge mistake to have actually gone into Zion. I'm not sure I can recall a single character's name from Zion, except the shout-out to Toshiro Mifune. They're all "Commander-this" and "Counselor-that" and by the time you figure out who's who they're all getting shot to hell like a William Gibson version of Saving Private Ryan. On the other hand, those fighting machines are about as close as we're ever going to get to a Mech Warrior movie so at least something good came out of it.

Is anyone else starting to think that we'd have been better off without Mike Myers coming up with the character of Austin Powers? I mean, in a "look what this hath wrought" fashion, we're way on the negative side of the balance from the two sequels and the overused Scottish accent bit. Now we have the next pillaging of Dr. Seuss, The Cat in the Hat. Now, I give full credit to the production designers, the whole thing looks very Seussian, but no one goes to a NASCAR race and raves about the paint jobs on the cars. I'm starting to grow very tired of this so-called "edgy-humor" that still somehow panders to the masses.

Try my new pilates video! Now let's get this straight. The Lord of the Rings wrapped shooting three years ago and we've known that it's a major worldwide hit for almost two years and yet no new movies from Peter Jackson are in the pipeline for release. Jeez, what a slacker. I want my Meet the Feebles sequel, dammit! Actually, I think that'd be a great prank for him to pull for his "Get Out of Jail, Free" card.

I'm starting to feel a bit like Sisyphus regarding The Simpsons DVD box sets. Considering that they're still releasing them at a glacial one-per-year pace and there's absolutely no end in sight to the production of the series, we'll have the entire run on the market about the time that "DVD" is as alien a phrase as "long-playing record". Let's get moving and make with the funny, Fox!

I'm not entirely sure, but I think the person that cut the trailer for The Missing was on peyote. I have no idea what's going on there.

Guarini's hair makes baby aliens cry. So the new Alien box set has nine discs and 45 hours of bonus footage (and a retail price of 83 kajillion dollars). That probably sounds like a lot until you realize that 18 of them are phone messages from David Fincher screaming at Fox executives over Alien 3.

Finally, American Idol runner-up Justin "Stink of Failure" Guarini is being sued for $100,000 by a couple who claims he rammed the back of their car. Now I admire the spirit of taking this guy for all he's worth, but have you seen his record sales? It helps to sue people who might actually have money.



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