BOP Daily News
October 26, 2003
The spirit of BOP News lives on in
This is So Last Week,
our pop culture week-in-review,
presented in a pleasing quiz form.
In this special “What the hell are they thinking?” edition of BOP News, we’ll be reporting on some upcoming projects that are really, really bad ideas and should never see the light of day. Ever.
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First up is a report that Satan’s minion Michael Bay has decided that it’s time someone updated The Amityville Horror. Bay’s Platinum Dunes will produce the film, which will be based on the 1979 book of the same name. For those of you lucky enough to have missed this the first time around, the book and film told the supposedly true story of a family who gets a bargain-basement price on a lovely house in the eponymous Long Island suburb, only to be chased from their domicile 19 days after moving in by the evil spirits haunting the house. They then discover that the previous occupants were a family murdered by the eldest son, who claimed a vengeful spirit forced him to kill. Although the original film wasn’t any great shakes, it did manage to inspire seven sequels. And now a remake. Reports that one early draft contained a scene detailing Bay’s master plan to gradually indoctrinate the moviegoing public into worshipping his directorial greatness by bombarding them with mind-numbingly long, ear-shatteringly loud and excruciatingly mediocre pieces of clap-trap could not be confirmed at press time.
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And continuing in bad-remake-ideas news is a report that Herbie the Love Bug is to be resurrected and made to race on the NASCAR circuit. Disney’s attempts to resurrect the anthropomorphic Volkswagen Beetle franchise have so far meet with little success, as several previous drafts have been scrapped and the latest scribes taking a crack at the problem are the ones responsible for the NASCAR idea. If this concept is a go, Disney plans to expand the franchise by taking a Yugo and entering it in the Kentucky Derby.
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Making this a trifecta of bad ideas for films is a report that Demi Moore is planning to make a film based on the Barbie doll. Yes, you read that correctly; a live-action film set in the exciting world of Barbie. Demi reportedly got the idea after taking her daughter Rumer - and don’t think that bit of cruelty visited upon an innocent babe won’t come back to haunt her - to a swap meet where they purchased some ‘60s era Barbie dolls. Speculation that Demi actually got the idea when playing with her boy-toy Ashton Kutcher were being denied at press time.
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And to wrap up our cavalcade of bad ideas from Hollywood is this report regarding the Exorcist prequel. The flick, cleverly titled Exorcist: The Beginning, recently earned the dubious honor of being perhaps the first film in movie history to have a director leave after production has wrapped. Paul Schrader, who helmed the project until leaving during post due to the ever-popular “creative differences”, will be replaced by - wait for it - Renny Harlin. Yes, Morgan Creek has decided Harlin is the perfect man to step in and finish what Schrader...well, pretty much completed his own darn self. Harlin will reportedly oversee six weeks of reshoots, the better to bugger the project with. Morgan Creek will reportedly keep Schrader’s name in the credits as director, however. That sonic boom you heard was Schrader’s reaction on learning he’s still going to be tagged for this turkey.
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"The fate of the planet is in the hands of a bunch of retards I wouldn't trust with a potato gun."
Box Office Prophets offers quality, reliable news about the entertainment industry. BOP is also entertaining. To that end, please be advised that some content in this column is intended to be humorous and should not be considered factual.
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