BOP Daily News
November 22, 2005
The spirit of BOP News lives on in
This is So Last Week,
our pop culture week-in-review,
presented in a pleasing quiz form.
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Good news, drug addicts! The Motion Picture Association of America has heard the cries of Huey Lewis and finally acted upon them. They have a new drug, one they feel is comparable to crystal meth. And this one does not have the same danger of random explosions! It's movie piracy and DVD bootlegging. In an article headlined "Pirated discs, DVDs becoming the new drug on the street," some soon-to-be-fired publicist argues that the people most likely to be selling you a bootleg DVD are pushers. Their source, if you are wondering, is a bit of research indicating that felons in the piracy field also occasionally have felony drug convictions on their record as well. Just imagine the "research study" the MPAA can release if OJ Simpson and Robert Blake ever get arrested for movie piracy.
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Good news, sequel fans! Your prayers have been answered for the 93rd time this year! Another sequel is in the works...and this one will be directed by Brett Ratner. Is there any better news you could receive? Doubtful. The project in question is Rush Hour 3, and its existence has been expected since August 5th of 2001, the day when box office estimates for Rush Hour 2's opening weekend came in around $67 million. The deal has been rumored for a long time now with the only sticking point being the as yet unexplained disappearance of co-star Chris Tucker. The actor has been persona non grata for over four years now, but the good news for Jackie Chan and the kind folks at New Line is that he has finally blown through all of his paycheck from the last film. You have to admire the business model in place for the Rush Hour franchise. It's like North American audiences and Chris Tucker have come to an understanding. We'll spend $200 million to watch this movie in exchange for him promising to hide until Rush Hour 5 comes out in 2012.
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Good news, men who have been storing your dead mother in a freezer for the past seven years! You're not the only one with psychotic tendencies and dreams of matrimonial bliss with Jennifer Garner. One Phillip Schuth, a 53-year-old Wisconsin native, has stepped up and declared himself the spokesman for your elusive, disturbing club. Schuth was recently convicted of keeping his mother on ice (literally) in order to keep collecting her Social Security checks. There was also the matter of him punching out a 10-year-old boy, then later aiming some gunfire in the direction of the kid and his parents. Classy guy. Anyway, the reason why this story is noteworthy here at BOP is the Cliff Claven wannabe's apology at his sentencing. "I apologize to Jennifer Garner and her pool boy Ben Affleck for involving them in my fantasies." This quote is particularly upsetting to BOP. After all, wasn't this story creepy enough without bringing Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck's relationship into it?
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Good news, Chicken of the Sea fans! Unless BOP's court order survives the appeals process, Jessica Simpson will return to the big screen once more. The fledgling actress best known for having things bump up into her undercarriage, forcing her talentless hack of a sister upon an innocent society, and marrying that weird guy who hangs out with Matt Leinart all the time will star in Employee of the Month. The story involves a series of employees at a Wal-Mart type of establishment who drool over a cashier played by Simpson. After playing a waitress in her last film and a cashier in this one, Simpson will be left with but one believable profession in her next movie: pole dancer. The thought of this is almost enough to make us drop our court appeal. Almost.
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"Is there like maids for, like, celebrities? "
Previous edition's quote: A Christmas Story
Box Office Prophets offers quality, reliable news about the entertainment industry. BOP is also entertaining. To that end, please be advised that some content in this column is intended to be humorous and should not be considered factual.
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