By Kim Hollis
Thanks to the resounding success of Freddy vs. Jason at the box office, we’ll soon be seeing an influx of films that incorporate the grudge match. Given the general lameness of the movies being released throughout the month of September, maybe it would have been a good idea for the studios to start right away.
Nicolas Cage (Matchstick Men) vs. Raoul Bova (Under the Tuscan Sun)
After Nicolas Cage’s bad accent in Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, real Italian men like Tuscan Sun’s hunky Raoul Bova are out to show the King of Extreme Overacting how it’s done. Meanwhile, Cage won’t even be the high point of his own movie as the inimitable Sam Rockwell and up-and-comer Alison Lohman will run away with Matchstick Men. Give the win to Bova, who will walk away with Cage’s toupee as his trophy.
David Spade (Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star) vs. Haley Joel Osment (Secondhand Lions)
It’s former child star vs. current child star! The 39-year-old has a slight height advantage over the 15-year-old (5’7” vs. 5’5”), so they’re probably both going to have to rely on backups for victory. Osment gets his two grumpy old co-stars, Robert Duvall and Sir Michael Caine, while Spade gets the poster children for dysfunctional kid stars, Todd Bridges and Gary “A Few Prawns Short of a Galaxy” Coleman. If Duvall wasn’t still brittle from injuries sustained after falling off a horse during the filming of Open Range, I might give the edge to the old army dog and the knight, but Coleman needs some publicity to bolster his run for California Governor and he also fights dirty. The Dickie Roberts crew takes it in a walk.
The Fighting Temptations vs. El Mariachi (Once Upon a Time in Mexico)
With a battle that pits the church choir against a guitar player, the honest evaluation is that El Mariachi actually carries a gun in that guitar case, so the winner on this one is pretty obvious.
Cold Creek Manor vs. Duplex
Dilapidated-estate-with-disgruntled-former-denizen meets degenerating-Duplex-with-pain-in-the-ass-tenant. Everyone ends up disqualified when the house from Amityville Horror shows up and starts with the bleeding walls and the goo-spouting drains and the flies and the evil disembodied voice and whatnot.
The Sin Eater (The Order) vs. Flesh-Eating Viruses (Cabin Fever)
Having seen The Order, all I can say is that for the good of all mankind, the flesh-eating disease must win. We’ll just have to deal with the repercussions of having a virulent, deadly virus that will decimate mankind after the battle. It’s worth it.
Stifler (The Rundown) vs. Jim (Anything Else)
We saw the softer, gentler side of Stifler in American Wedding; meanwhile, the pie-loving Jim was always a bit of a sissy. With moves learned from co-star and WWE Superstar The Rock, Stifler has a huuuuuuuuge advantage over the unfortunate Jim, who got his from, well, Woody Allen. Expect Jim to be thoroughly distracted by the People’s Strudel (hey, he likes pastry) and for Stifler to finish his former friend off with a raised eyebrow and an elbow.
Vampires (Underworld) vs. Werewolves (Underworld) vs. Mummies (Bubba Ho-Tep)
A full-out Battle Royale between the nefarious creatures of the night pits various types of undead against long-suffering lycanthropes. Everyone knows that mummies suck, despite what big-budget, special-effects laden films might try to prove otherwise. They’re slow, dusty and a little bit woozy, generally having slept for a number of years before being awakened by some sort of curse. I mean, when you wake up in the middle of a deep sleep, are you really ready for a fight? Of course not. Barking at the moon are the werewolves, who are probably the easiest to kill, being the only mortals of the group, but certainly threaten a vicious bite. Throw in a leather-clad Kate Beckinsale as the leader of the vampire team (give me a B! give me an L! give me an O! give me another O! give me a D!) and this one is sure to be a match for the ages. Look for special guest heel appearances from Ned Flanders, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Dr. Frankenstein’s monster, Abbott and Costello, Lon Chaney, Warren Zevon, Michael J. Fox, and Judas Iscariot.
Read Marty Doskins' September forecast.
Read John Hamann's September forecast.
Read David Mumpower's September forecast.