July Forecast

By Kim Hollis

Jay and Kay visit the set of Resident Evil.

Back in the 1950s, the U.S. government started a tiny little under-funded agency with the simple (and laughable) purpose of making contact with alien races. Every person involved thought the agency was a joke…except the aliens, who made contact just outside of New York City in 1961. They asked to be allowed to seek political refuge on our planet, and the government agreed. The agency disguised all evidence of their landing and became -- The Men in Black, a secret organization that monitors alien activity on Earth.

At any given time, at least 1,500 aliens are living on this planet, with the majority of them living in Manhattan. Though most are decent, law-abiding citizens just trying to make a living, some are a bit more…unpleasant, with plans to bring our world to an end.

The following report comes from a recent investigation into rising levels of suspicious alien activity. The ten individuals listed have exhibited unusual characteristics that led agents to conclude that these may in fact be unregistered aliens. Advance warning: some of these findings may be quite terrifying so read at your own peril.

1. Mojo Jojo

I must remember to destroy those kids after my breakfast has been eaten. Mr. Jojo is a monkey - who can speak. A tall hat obscures his abnormally gigantic brain, but this particular menace is so bold that he doesn’t even bother with a disguise that allows him any sense of obscurity. Instead, he relishes in his obvious appearance, with the singularly odd goal of ruling a small locale known as Townsville. The situation does seem well under control, with three small but mighty girls keeping the evil one in check.

Conclusions: Definitely an unregistered alien. Bears further watching but seems to be rendered mostly harmless by local superheroes.

Notes: Keep close watch on these Powerpuff Girls. Their powers seem most unnatural.

2. Steve Irwin

Crikey!  It's beautiful! One of the most disturbing subjects we’ve ever had the misfortune to study, Mr. Irwin relishes in his constantly strange interaction with various reptiles and other denizens of the Australian Outback. Rare is it that we find someone who is so eager to chase after potentially deadly animals in the scorching heat of the sun, but this bloke has gone so far as to make it his occupation. Known in certain circles as The Crocodile Hunter, he seems to have interfered with the plans of some U.S. agents from a different division by somehow intercepting one of our top secret satellites. We’ll refrain from commenting on the abilities of our peers in this case, but it doesn’t look good for them.

Conclusions: Aliens are never this obviously insane. Mr. Irwin is human, and out of our jurisdiction.

Notes: Avoid all further contact - Irwin is a danger to himself and others.

3. Captain Alexi Vostrikov

Read my lips...read my lips...where have I heard that before? If you’ll examine Captain Vostrikov’s photo and listen to him speak, it is clear that this is simply President George W. Bush in a disguise gone very awry. We had no idea why he was trying to play with Russian nuclear submarines (he calls them “nu-cu-lar”), but we’ve received assurances that it’s all a clever ruse by Vice President Cheney and Colin Powell to keep the president preoccupied while the two men plan our nation’s invasion of Canada.

Conclusions: Subject had previously been investigated for potential alien activity, but brainwave patterns of a very subnormal level ruled out this possibility.

Notes: Attempts to keep Men in Black unknown to this particular president continue to be successful beyond our wildest hopes.

4. David Arquette

Aw, I'm losing body parts again. Unusual activity was detected when Mr. Arquette was in fact given a role in a major motion picture called Eight Legged Freaks. The person reporting this activity noted that the subject should have been considered box office poison after appearing in films such as Ready to Rumble, See Spot Run and 3000 Miles to Graceland, but the honest evaluation is that we investigated this individual long ago - at approximately the time Courteney Cox agreed to marry him.

He obviously has superior persuasive powers and is generally regarded as a minor threat. We tried mixing in some actual alien assassin bugs with the CGI spiders in his newest film but he cleverly evaded us again somehow. We’ll get you next time, Arquette.

Conclusions: Definitely an alien who has assumed human form. Those who see his newest film are in some danger of being subliminally coerced to participate in a plot for his world domination. He has some outstanding evasive capabilities and eludes capture and deportation to this day.

Notes: Recover assassin bugs from Arizona filming location as soon as possible.

5. Calvin Cambridge

Drink Gatorade. It’s obviously doubtful, if not fanciful, that this young man’s basketball prowess would come from a pair of shoes. This plot is truly one of the most insidious we’ve seen yet - capturing the hearts and attention of our country by attempting to take over the NBA using the form of a child. There are surely deeper and more sinister motives at hand here and advise that action be taken against this threat as soon as possible.

Conclusions: Extremely athletic and wily alien. Recommend protective custody for NBA stars such as Jason Kidd and Dirk Nowitzki.

Notes: Children are to be reminded that trying to grab magical shoes off of electrical wires should only be attempted by professional aliens. It is not recommended that they try any similar activities in the hopes of transforming their own abilities.

6. Maguire, AKA “The Reporter"

Lamest hit man persona ever. This highly dangerous specimen doesn’t even try to hide his basest intentions. He’s a notorious assassin - aliens on the lam always love this type of work. The Reporter is volatile and wicked and does very little to hide his actual appearance - it’s almost possible to see it lurking just below the surface of his very skin. Stray casualties are very likely possibilities when this perpetrator is on the job.

Conclusions: We’re hoping that he gets taken out by rival hit man Michael “Angel of Death” Sullivan, because he’s a nasty bugger that we’d really like to avoid.

Notes: We know he looks like he’s made from plastic but we assure you this specimen is a true alien.

7. Denton Van Zan

There's nothing magical about 'em!  They're flesh and blood, just like you and me. Anyone who is a bona fide dragon slayer bears watching. A dragon slayer with a Bobby Hill accent is terrifying. Still, Van Zan appears to be aligned with the forces of good at the moment, so while we plan to keep him on the watch list, he’s a low priority at this time.

Conclusion: We have no conclusive evidence that he’s an alien and in fact, the male pattern baldness that has seemed to conquer his skull is almost certain evidence to the contrary. He’s fighting a different type of threatening scum than what we deal with on a daily basis so we’re willing to give him a bit of a wide berth.

Notes: The dragons themselves bear watching and we may wish to dispatch experts on Planet Jieaihguysyvbn. Those aliens are rarely so blatant as to hang around Earth in their normal form, but it almost appears to be an all-too-clever usage of our medieval folklore at work.

8. Austin Powers

[Insert overused Powerism here.] The primary concern with regards to this International Man of Mystery is that he seems to have some sort of multiple personality disorder that grows worse with each passing episode. Where initially we suspected him of using the spy guise as a front for the evil syndicate headed by alter ego Dr. Evil, we have added additional suspicious characters such as Fat Bastard and Goldmember to our watch list.

Conclusion: As you can see from the photo, the evidence is fairly incontrovertible. This is an alien who regularly sheds his skin in favor of other personas. The question is whether this is a conscious change with nefarious purposes or if Mr. Powers is suffering from mental illnesses in one or more of his brains.

Notes: Known associate of Ozzy Osbourne, an alien who proclaims himself to be the Prince of Darkness.

9. Stuart Little

Courteney Cox should have stuck with me! Mr. Little has been previously brought to our attention due to his very unusual appearance but has been determined to be utterly harmless and actually almost the picture of a model citizen.

Conclusion: Not alien, just suffering from an unfortunate genetic experiment gone bad. Not even the mouse has knowledge of this fact, though we suspect Powers or one of his personalities to be behind the transformation. For this reason, we are assigning an agent to Mini Me.

Notes: We’re much more suspicious of these Country Bears about whom we’ve been getting sporadic reports.

10. Agent Jay and Agent Kay

Er…we’ll translate our very technical reporting language to trite and simple terms you puny, ahem, diligent creatures can understand. You can’t judge a book by its cover. Takes one to know one. Soon, you will bow before -

Perhaps we’ve said too much...

Say cheese!

July Forecast
Rank at IMDb Pro
Rank at Yahoo
Estimated Total Box Office
Men in Black II
278 million
Stuart Little 2
175 million
Austin Powers in Goldmember
146 million
Reign of Fire
135 million
Road to Perdition
130 million
Like Mike
80 million
Eight Legged Freaks
78 million
K-19: The Widowmaker
70 million
Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course
34 million
The Powerpuff Girls Movie
32 million

  • Read Tim Briody's Julyforecast
  • Read Dan Krovich's July forecast
  • Read Reagen Sulewski's July forecast



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    Monday, October 25, 2021
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