April Forecast: The Royal Rumble

By Kim Hollis

Greetings from sunny Hollywood, California! I'm Jim Ross, here with my broadcast partner Jerry "The King" Lawler, and we'd both like to welcome you to the April version of the Movie Royal Rumble. Ten extremely incredible films will enter the ring, but only one can emerge as the ultimate Royal Rumble champion!!

--That's right, JR, and we're getting into the action right away!! The bell has rung and the first contestant in the ring is Life or Something Like It. And really, all I need say here is…Puppies!! Specifically, I'm talking about Angelina Jolie. Is she hot or what, Jim?

JR: She sure is, King, and she's sporting a look I've never seen on her before. What's with the Marilyn Monroe-esque blonde hair? Someone needs to tell her that style went out way back in the '50s.

JL: But, puppies! She looks great in that suit.

JR: Indeed she does, and Life or Something Like It promises to be a hot film, too! Angelina the Knife stars as a spoiled-brat television reporter who is told she only has a week to live, so she suddenly decides to change her life in an effort to avoid that eventuality…

Lawler stares blankly

JR: …she has a decent supporting cast as well in Tony Shalhoub and Ed Burns. Next in the ring is…can it be? Yes!! It's Changing Lanes!!!

JL: Hooo yeah!! Road rage gone mad and leaving the scene of an accident all combine for one giant misunderstanding!! Ben "Fashionable Male" Affleck and his partner Mr. Glass look like formidable opponents as they approach the ring.

JR: Formidable? Ha ha ha!!! Look at them!! They're hanging back and not going in the ring!

JL: They're probably afraid of The Knife's unpredictable mood swings.

JR: Well, seriously, who wouldn't be? That girl has a reputation for the bizarre, and with a crazed-looking Tony "Prophet Jack" Shalhoub supporting her beside the ring, they certainly have a volatile air about them.

Audience chants 3…2…1…

JR: Look at Fashionable Male and Mr. Glass as they turn around to check out the new opponent!

JL: Wow!!! It's another lovely young femme fatale in Ashley Judd!!!! But who's that with her?

JR: That's her longtime tag-team partner, Morgan "Easy Reader" Freeman!!! They've certainly had success in their collaborations before and Ms. Catwoman and her cohort in suspense thrillers hope to match that as they star in High Crimes, a film with a feel very similar to Judd's previous efforts like Double Jeopardy and Kiss the Girls.

JL: More puppies!!!

JR: Er, right. That too. LOOK AT THIS!! Affleck and Jackson are backing away from the tag team of Judd and Freeman…look at them begging for mercy!

JL: Ashley has picked up Mr. Glass over her head and thrown him INTO the ring!!! Hey, Ashley!!! The point is to throw your opponent out of the ring!!

JR: And the Fashionable Male is complaining to the ref about that dirty play and…OH MY GOD!!! When the ref turned to check on Mr. Glass, Angelina the Knife hit Affleck with a chair! Where did she get that?!!!

JL: Now Ashley and her partner have pushed Ben over the top rope of the ring!!! They're almost eliminated, and Mr. Glass doesn't really seem to be able to move.

JR: Shut yo mouth, King. He seems to be getting up, but Freeman just put the cr - ush crush on him!!!

JL: Ashley and her partner are amazing in the ring, JR!! And look at Angelina!!! She just did the Tomb Raidernator off the top rope and I think Samuel L. Jackson is in bad shape!!

JR: I can't believe it, but Jolie, Judd and Freeman have all just worked together to toss Mr. Glass over the top rope and onto our table. How does it feel to get beaten so thoroughly, Mr. Glass?

Mr. Glass: Those ladies are dirty. Did you see what they were doing out there?

JL: Mmmm. Dirty ladies.

Audience chants 3…2…1…

The stadium goes silent.

JL: Who the hell is this?

JR: It's that Van Wilder guy.

JL: Who?

JR: You know, Van Wilder. Party Liaison? National Lampoon's Van Wilder?

Lawler stares blankly

JR: Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place? Two Guys and a Girl?

JL: Dude…never. It should always two girls and a guy.

JR: *Sigh*

JL: What?

JR: Folks, Van Wilder's Ryan Reynolds has just entered the arena…and…nobody…seems to notice.

JL: Whoa!!! Except Angelina Jolie!!! The second he entered the ring, she ran right at him and pushed him over the ropes.

JR: The crowd didn't even have time to get to know him.

JL: Who?

JR: *Sigh*

Audience chants 3…2…1…

JL: WOW! Angelina Jolie and Ashley Judd are in a tense stare-down right now, let me tell you!!!

JR: Well, that's about to be interrupted by Miss Congeniality herself, Sandra Bullock!!!


JR: OH MY GOD!!! Sandy just came bursting down the ramp and into the ring, jumping right onto the back of Easy Reader Freeman!!!

JL: I'd totally forgotten he was still here.

JR: Sandy isn't so congenial, is she? Either way, her movie, Murder by Numbers, is another thriller that follows a couple of weeks after High Crimes. She's apparently taking out her competitive frustration on Easy Reader!!

JL: And Angelina Jolie suddenly pushed Ashley Judd! Ashley turned around and saw her partner was in some trouble and now the two of them are teaming up against poor Sandy!!

JR: Angelina is talking to someone in the audience…why…it's her husband, Billy Bob Thornton!!

JL: She's married to him?

JR: Cat married you, didn't she? Oops. Did I just say that out loud?

Lawler stares blankly

JR: Billy Bob seems to be yelling something about how Wakin' Up in Reno could be a big hit.

JL: Sure, it could, Billy. You'll get your chance later this year. Let your wife have the spotlight, for God's sakes, PLEASE let her!!!

Audience chants 3…2…1…

JL: Wow!!! Look at this entourage!!

JR: King, that's Tim Allen and the remaining cast of Big Trouble. I think there are somewhere in the neighborhood of 497 big stars in this Sonnenfeld flick.

JL: What's that dance they're doing?

JR: They call it the Bufo Marinus. Apparently we'll understand what it all means once the movie is released.

JL: Bufo Marinus? That would be a great name for a rock band.

JR: And now Tim the Tool Man is in the ring and things are starting to go absolutely crazy!!! WAIT!!! What?!!!

JL: Angelina, Ashley and Sandy are all huddling while Tim Allen looks confused!!! Easy Reader is clearly exhausted but he's not out of the ring yet and just rolling around on the floor in pain.

Tim Allen: Uowhhhhh??

JR: Uowhhhhh indeed, Tim!!!! The three women just rushed him!!!! He's in big trouble!!!

JL: HAHAHA!! Big Trouble!!!

JR: They've got him against the ropes now, King!!! What in the world will he do?!!!

Audience chants 3…2…1…

JL: All right!!! It's Cameron Diaz!!! MORE puppies!!!

JR: The ladies are certainly in charge of this Royal Rumble, King! And there's no doubt that her new movie, The Sweetest Thing, will be a hit this month!!

JL: I know I'll be seeing it!!! Does she take her top off?

JR: Not that I know of, King. Not that I know of. It's a lighthearted comedy for women and a chance for Cameron to truly open a film on her own merits rather than being only one member of a multi-talented cast.

JL: WOW!!! Look at her cartwheel out to the ring!!!

JR: Would you look at that!!! She's joined her female compatriots as they lift Tim Allen over the top rope!

JL: He didn't get to stay in the ring very long.

JR: The Royal Rumble may be every man for himself, but where the ladies are involved, it's all about April box office domination!! They really want this win, King!

Audience chants 3…2…1…

JL: Check it out!! It's that guy!! And that guy!!

JR: That's right, King!! It's the stars of Frailty, a movie that James Cameron, Sam Raimi and Stephen King all call suspenseful and shocking!

JL: What's the one guy's name? Bill Pullman? From Independence Day?

JR: He doesn't look like that guy. I think his name is Bill, though.

JL: That other guy is great. I loved him in The Wedding Pl…, er, that submarine movie.

JR: The real question though, King, is do they dare take on this super-tough girls' club? These ladies aren't going to let victory slide from their grasp too easily!!!

JL: You got that right, JR!! The girls have formed a kind of human wall and won't even let those guys in the ring!

JR: Wait!!! That submarine guy is distracting them by showing them his ever-receding hairline while the other guy sneaks around behind them!!! Look out, girls!!!

JL: Uh-oh!!! That other guy forgot about Easy Reader Freeman!!! The instant that other guy entered the ring, Morgan got up off the floor and clothes-lined him as he took the other guy down to the mat!

JR: Check it out!! The submarine guy temporarily blinded a couple of the women with the glare off his head and was able to climb into the ring!!! It's pandemonium, folks!!!

Audience chants 3…2…1…

JL: Wait!!!! What's that?!!!!!!

JR: GOOD GOD!!!! It's Jason Voorhees' music!!

JL: That's right, Jason will show them all who really knows how to make the bodies hit the floor!!! C'mon, Jason!!!

JR: King, Jason Voorhees is pure, malevolent evil. He would kill even the sweetest, cutest puppy if he had the chance.

JL: YEAH!!!! Puppies suck!! Wait.

JR: Can't argue with that logic, King!!

JL: JR, I can't believe it!!! Every single one of the other participants willingly jumped over the top rope! They're all disqualified!

JR: These aren't your typical B-movie actors, King. They know what happens when a sadistic, brutal, unmerciful serial killer like Jason Voorhees shows up. Let's just say I'll bet none of them are going to the spooky amusement park.

JL: This is some kind of Uber-Jason, JR.

JR: Well, the tagline from his newest film is "Evil gets an upgrade," and there's no doubt that Jason would appear to be a new man. Good God! He's in the ring with a chainsaw and he's starting to take things apart. Clearly he believes he's the ultimate winner of this match. Or he's just pure, mindless brutality in one wicked package. But we like subtlety, so we'll let the viewer decide.

Audience chants 3…2…1…

Can you smell…what the Rock…is cooking?

JL: It's The Rock!! What's he doing here?

JR: King, he's got his first big starring role in a film to be released in April. It's called The Scorpion King, where he'll reprise the role he played in The Mummy Returns last year.

JL: Scorpion King? That sounds vicious!! Look out, Jason!!

JR: Look out, Jason is absolutely right, King!! The Rock isn't wasting any time at all as he runs to the ring. It's clear he plans to reign supreme at the box office for the month of April, and he's not going to let any crappy B-movie sequel stand in his way.

JL: I can't figure it out, JR, but that just sounds wrong somehow.

JR: Good God!!! Jason has thrown his chainsaw down to the ground and looks like he wants to face The Rock man-to-man!!

JL: The Rock is in the ring, and WHOA!!!! He just completely took down Jason X! He should be able to push him over the top of the ropes if he hurries.

JR: Jason X is in bad shape, King. He can't even get up.

The Rock: Jason X, you Rudy-Poo candy ass, it doesn't matter if you have a movie being released before mine. It doesn't matter…if you're an insane, unstoppable killing machine. Because The Rock - and The Scorpion King, by association - stand for what's good and decent in the world, and we will layeth the smacketh down upon you, jabroni.

JR: The Rock thinks he's won!!! He's standing on the ropes and the crowd is going wild!!

JL: Losers. The Rock cheated back there.

JR: OH MY GOD!!!! Jason Voorhees is getting up!

JL: That's right!!! Get up, Jason!

JR: Jason has pulled The Rock down from the ropes and thrown him down to the floor!! Good God!!!

JL: YEAH!! He just did the tombstone on The Rock!!

JR: Voorhees stole that move, you idiot.

JL: OHHH!!! The masked marauder has knocked The Rock nearly unconscious!

JR: Masked marauder?

JL: The crusher cross-mash!!! WOO-HOO!!!

JR: What???

JL: The Rock is down!

JR: I can't believe it!!! Jason X has just picked up his chainsaw and has approached The Rock. He's turned it on!! MY GOD!!! The Rock hasn't been in movies long enough to realize you can never keep Jason Voorhees down!!!


JR: He's got the chainsaw right beside The Rock's neck!!! Oh no!!! Where's the ref???

JL: Ref shouldn't interfere here.

JR: Wait!!!! The Rock has grabbed Jason's arm!!! He's squeezing it!!! Pushing it away!!! Where is he finding this strength?

JL: Dammit!

JR: The Rock just used Jason for leverage to stand upright and he's forced the soulless murderer to drop the power tool!! I'd say Jason looks worried, but we can't see his face behind that hockey mask!!

JL: Worried. Fah.

JR: Good God!!! Jason Voorhees has just been Rock-bottomed! He is down and rolling on the mat! And, oh yes!!! Here comes the People's Elbow! And Jason X is out!!! The Rock has thrown him over the top rope!!! The Rock is the winner of the Royal Rumble! The Rock wins!!!

JL: Jerkass.

JR: Look, King. Jason X has completely disappeared. I wonder if we've seen the last of him?

JL: I don't know, JR. I don't know.

Kill kill kill kill…die die die die…kill kill kill kill…die die die die…

April Forecast (No, really)
Rank at IMDb Pro
Rank at Yahoo
Estimated Opening Gross (disclaimer: these are very rough guesses
The Scorpion King
The Sweetest Thing
Murder by Numbers
High Crimes
Jason X
Life or Something Like It
Changing Lanes
National Lampoon's Van Wilder
Big Trouble

  • Read Walid Habboub's April forecast
  • Read David Mumpower's April forecast