Shaking Our Fists at the Sun:
Victims of Hollywood

By Walid Habboub

October 21, 2002

Call the weekend guy, I don't care.

As movie after movie gets delayed due to the stories and themes hitting too close to home on very sensitive real-life subjects, there are many other victims who are violated by Hollywood's exploitive cinema whose stories are never heard. The truth is, these people are not only the victims of Hollywood but they are also the victims of the media whose refusal to cover their story is what keeps their plight in the background. They are the little men that get no press; the real-life equivalent of the fourth Pokémon film, if you will.

Take, for example, Aphrodite Constantinopoulos, who lives in a quiet upstate New York town that is well known for its simple way of life and its souvlaki. And the best souvlaki in town, the residents will tell you, is served at A.C.'s Fire Pit, Aphrodite Constantinopoulos' restaurant. Set in the middle of the once insatiable stomach of this hungry town, the Fire Pit has fallen on some hard times, mainly due to Hollywood's greed.

"People just stopped coming," Aphrodite, a plump woman whose smile has not been upside down in quite some time, told us. "It's like the streets have been completely deserted." What is the cause of this robust woman's earth-shaking fall on hard times? That's right; it is all because of the film My Big Fat Greek Wedding. "Suddenly," explains Aphrodite, "All people could see was my size and the fact that I was Greek." How big and how Greek is she? "Well, I've been watching what I eat and I'm down to 383 pounds. And I am very Greek, if you know what I mean." That's right; her weight pales in comparison to the box office of the film, which is really what this story is about.

"People only see the physical me and not the real me anymore," she continues. "They can't see me past what they see in the film. I used to get 20 to 25 customers a day and now I'm down to 15 or so, all because of that cursed movie." In a town of 83 people, this means Aphrodite is losing big business. But where are the people? Some would say they are at the movie theatre that's been playing My Big Fat Greek Wedding for 23 weeks straight. Others say it has something to do with school starting. Even some others think it has to do with that Mormon family moving out of town. Will we ever know the real answer? Maybe.

We now move to a small town by the name of Home, Alabama, which is anything but sweet. Undoubtedly mad about the latest Hollywood film which insinuates that their rough-and-tumble home town is "sweet", the locals of this surly town all declined comment and the mayor greeted us with five rounds from his sawed-off shotgun. We ask you, is this the picture of a sweet town? Of course not. And who are the real victims here? Obviously, it is the millions of people that have seen the film Sweet Home Alabama without really knowing the truth.

Much the same is the plight of Karen Alderson, who was once convicted of stalking TV personality and real estate mogul Tom Vu. "I only rarely ever needed to swim," explains Alderson. "And when I did, I certainly was not a fan of it." Alderson's attempts to have the release of the film Swimfan blocked were severely hampered by the fact that she is serving eight-to-12 at the local prison. Once again, Hollywood has victimized victims and stomped them with their tyrannical lawyering.

Moving over to the Left Coast, we go to Sin City. Los Angeles, California is the heart of Hollywood, the brain where all the nerve endings that are our nation's movie theatres report to. Many adult movies have been produced in and around this area; in fact, 80% of the world's adult films are produced in the Southern California area. Some say it's because of Hell A's consistently beautiful weather, some say that it is due to the abundance of plastic surgeons in the area, and there are yet others that say it's due to the availability of a wide array of barn animals, but the bottom line is, porn is big here, so you can imagine the shock and horror - shorror, if you will - of one Candy Cane when the film xXx debuted and there wasn't a single penis shown on screen.

"I was shorrored!," exclaimed the blonde bombshell. "I've been in 2,100 adult movies and I've never seen such a tame film. It really tarnishes our reputation." Cane's concern lies in the fact that many adult film fans have been drawn away from the adult film industry when they mistakenly saw the film. "People were seeing this movie and finding out that it's okay to watch regular films and not just porn," added Cane, who gave us a 15-minute interview during her 45-minute hiatus between the filming of her two latest movies. "Besides," she added, "That movie had a lot of violence in it and that's just not right." Indeed it isn't, Candy. Indeed it isn't.

What's next for Hollywood, you ask? I Spy, a film which already has the Peeping Toms Council of San Bernardino up in arms. Following that, Hollywood will release Die Another Day, which is already being boycotted by the Funeral Parlor's Association for having such a suggestive title that it will eventually slow down their business. Finally, the city of Atlanta is in the early stages of filing suit against the studio behind the film Chicago. This one explains itself.

So you see, as we trek across this great land of ours, we can see that we are all victims of this Hollywood monster. No longer does it target our children; it is now going for the proverbial jugular. As more and more films are pushing back their release dates, we must remember to never forget these people's memories.